Sunday... Sunday....

Well... it's officially three days until our first u/s!!!! I can't believe it's almost here already. I'm very nervous and excited!!! I keep thinking it's going to be ok.. I mean it has to be! I'm already half-way through 6 weeks and still have very tender breasts (ouch!!!) and mild cramping nearly every day on and off... mostly at night... I can see/feel my uterus is moving up over my pubic bone too. I sure do hope everything is ok either way. I have no idea what to expect on Wednesday or what my reaction will be. Will I be stunned by good news or crushed by bad? If it's good will I react or be in shock? Will I cry or just act like nonchalant? If it's bad will I cry or be crushed? Probably... I've been down that road three times already so I know what my reaction will be to that. But wow- so yeah. That's where I am at mentally!

Physically feel pretty good today. I'm so mad at myself for being overweight to begin with. I can't believe I let myself get so big!!!! I'm 148 and only 5'3. My husband thinks I look gorgeous and fleshy but my bmi is like 26.1 or something! Ugh! At my best my bmi was around 21 or 22 I think I weighed 116.. but I had to work really hard at it and try not to eat more than 1000 cals a day to stay that way... I looked great at 135 on my wedding day... but then after three years of marriage and three miscarriages... my horomones and some slight depression from the losses - I ballooned up to 152... I got back down to 148 a few weeks ago from going to the gym for 2 weeks... but now I'm back to around 150. Ugh. On top of that I'll be gaining about 25 pounds of pregnancy weight. Yipe! lol. Guess I'm going to push it to the limit! I want to gain as little weight as possible.. 25 is the MAX.. I would hope not to gain more than 15 or 20... I'm already a little oompa loompa. :(

But so what! Who cares! I'll do it all happily for our little bean! Are you in there babie?
Time to clean the house.. the bathroom and the kitchen are well overdue for a clean up and of course we still have our Christmas decorations and tree up because we keep them up until Chinese New Year... I think it's Feb. 4 or 6 this year. So those will come down NEXT weekend!

Off to clean...

Oy vey! I should have counted myself lucky!!!

Wow. Think I had my first bout of morning sickness today and a little last night. Omg. Yipes! We went to a movie last night and had some pizza before hand which was delicious. About 3/4 of the way through the movie I felt a teeny bit queasy. I also noticed it the pizza shoppe and in the theatre I thought I could smell the cologne and perfume of every single person around me. Queasy. Ugh. I feel sicky just writing about it! Anyway this morning I woke up pretty early and had my prenatals and b6 and folic acid and tea and then I decided after an hour or so that I would hop back into bed with my snuggly hubby. So I did. After about 10 minutes of snuggling an overwhelming feeling of nausea happened upon me. Omg. AND a craving for tomato sauce. Big time. So I got out of bed... heading out to the galley and made myself some tomato sauce and pasta for breakfast! lol. AND I still feel nauseated as I sit here while it cooks. What am I doing? I feel like I'm going to barf and I'm dying to eat this tomoato sauce and pasta.

Breasts are still very tender. Still have pretty bad menstrual like cramps which is funny to say because I dont get cramps when I get my period anyway! So to say I have menstrual cramps is quite odd since I dont get htem when I'm getting my period anyway or if I do they are quiet mild. On and off they've been coming for the past week now... from last Saturday until today... seems to happen mostly at night. They are quiet a test of will I tell you. I guess it's just my uterus expanding? Who knows. Could be the worst case scenario too... but we won't know until Wednesday when we get that ultra sound....

Good Morning!

Good mornin! Feeling pretty good today. My breasts are unbelievably tender. Yeay! and Ouchie! but Yeay! Feeling pretty good otherwise. No major cramping or anything. Creamy cm. Temps are still high. Just trying to get through Wednesday at work and wishing, hoping, praying for snow to bury us so that we don't have to go in tomorrow!!!!! Lord be with me today.

A sign.....??

On the way home from work today I came to a 4-way stop sign intersection. Now, the rule of thumb, which I painfully learned after being plowed into a few years ago, is that the person to your RIGHT always has the right of way, regardless of who got to the stop sign first. See, I was, like most of y'all, under the impression that it was first-come, first-go. Nope. It's whomever is to your right is the party that gets to go first. So I waved on the white car that was to my right even though I got there well before she did. Well, good thing I did too!

Wouldn't you know it... she turns to go in front of me and there on the back window of her car was plastered in pink paint: MOM TO BE! with lots of hearts and things doodled about it. Wonder if her friends did that for her for her baby shower... OR maybe she did it herself after getting a BFP and/or positive ultrasound! Who knows. All I know is that I never in my life EVER saw anything like THAT before! Never. And there it was today... pulling out right in front of me... because I waved it on... I welcomed it... I gave it the right of way!

Interesting metaphor that life presented me with today... wave it on! Give it the right of way... encourage it to go.... let go and let God... let's hope this has a happy beginning on Feb. 2... keeping fingers crossed and continuing to pray...

ps: UPDATE: The RE said that some cramping in early pregnancy is not uncommon... and that it was too early to do the u/s and we just have to watch and wait and see... she also said if I'm not bleeding there's probably nothing to worry about. I love how I am seeing an RE when we haven't even had to use her services! But whatever- we're new to the area - thought I would need the help of an RE and she's all I know right now...  guess I'll have to get an OB down here eventually....either way.. .still need an OBGYN... and since we aren't planning to go the ART route (not even to use fertility drugs) I don't know why I'm still hanging on to my re. Ah well.. convenience... u/s right in office.

CD 44 26 DPO

Here I am. Cycle day 44 and 26 dpo.... Still wondering what is going on. My bbt was high again this morning. Yeay!! 98.3ish. My cramping is still there on and off but not terribly bothersome. My nipples are still soreish but not as bad as before and breasts are still tender but not as tender... they tend to fluctuate I noticed. I feel pretty good otherwise. No bleeding or spotting. So all I can do is wait... wait... wait... until next Wednesday... Good Gracious. Anything can happen before then. And of course almost EVERYTHING seems to happen on the weekend. So just continuing to pray for grace to get through this and to accept whatever happens either way. God grant me the grace to accept whatever happens and to continue to be hopeful for a positive outcome.

Hmm... normal?? Hope so!

Well, after some worrisome cramping on and off over the last few days... I still have pregnancy signs... my breasts are still unbelievably tender (thank God). I read online at several forums that menstrual like cramping can be normal around 5 weeks because your uterus is stretching and growing. I'm not sure if I am buying that but I'll go with it for now. You never know! I gotta hold on to hope over here. This morning I feel much better. I had pretty bad cramping last night... not any worse than a menstrual cramp but enough to make me wonder what would happen over the next few days and begin to kiss my dreams of motherhood goodbye... Well.. this morning I woke up. No cramps. My temp was at 98.34 (yeay!) and feeling pretty good!

I still emailed my RE last night to let her know I would be calling today at some point because I wasn't sure if the cramping is a normal part of pregnancy or not... hopefully she'll just say "yep- it's normal as long as there is no bleeding and see you next Wed for your ultra sound." I think it's hilarious that I am seeing an RE when I didn't even use her services lol. Ah well. That's more than fine with me! I guess the next step of things would be to find an OBGYN in this area. We moved here recently a little more than a year ago and I haven't even picked our new doctors yet.

It's really cold out! Well, here's to getting through another day at work. Christ be with me. ::hugs::

Worrisome cramping.... on and off...

It's 7am in the morning on Sunday January 23. I am currently 24 dpo. 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. I am frightened. Last night I had some pulling sensations behind my belly button. It felt really odd. I also had a few sharp pains in my left ovary the past day or two... this morning around 4am I woke up in bed because of lower abdominal cramping... like menstrual cramps in the uterine area. I'm scared!!!!! I got up and started walking around and the cramping went away. Back to normal. Then I went to bed and went back to sleep and slept on my right side but I woke up again around 630 because I had to have a bowel movement. I took my temp vaginally and it was 98.6. I took it orally and it was 97.7... ?? I don't know what's going on. I'm frightened. Am I going to m/c again? I have no spotting. I have no bleeding. I took 100mg of b6 when I got up at 4am hoping that would help.

Yesterday around 4pm I thought I had a wave of nausea in the car - it lasted breifly followed by gas pains. Wish I knew what was actually "normal" in early pregnancy. I read online that some cramping is 'normal' when your uterus is growing and expanding... but how the heck should I know what is normal?? Up until now, I've never had a successful pregnancy. The first time I got pregnant I thought the cramping I was feeling was normal too... then the bleeding started... then I had to go for an emergency u/s and that's when we discovered that we had miscarried at 9 weeks 3 days and the development had stopped at 5 weeks 3 days... I had a missed miscarriage. My body didn't realize it was over until 4 weeks later when we had that emergency u/s.

Several months later I got pregnant again and miscarried at the same time. 5 weeks 3 days. We had a yolk sac on that u/s. I felt like that was a huge accomplishment. The third m/c was fairly quick. I think my hcg levels were so low to begin with it was over before the 5th week even started.

So here we are again.  I don't know what's happening. I was hoping this time was different because I did NOT get night sweats like I did the other times. And my numbers were "wonderful" according to the RE. And my breasts have been tender non-stop and still are. And.... I just don't know what to do. I don't know. My husband and I aren't even making love because we are terrified it will cause a m/c. I read that semen can cause contractions in the uterus to happen and possibly cause a m/c in those with a history of m/c. So there you go. No nookie for us for several weeks now. We both think it's worth it if it keeps us on the safe side.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. Of COURSE it's Sunday... so nobody is open. Can't get in touch with a doctor. Have you ever heard of such an assanine thing in all your life?! Doctors don't work on Sundays?! Who the hell are we kidding here.. it's not a freaking 9-5 M-F job people!!! WTF?!

But of course. My only option would be the ER and what am I going to say? The last time (same time LASTYEAR) in my second m/c I had really bad cramping and went to the ER told them I was pregnant was cocearned about ectopic. They took my bloodwork and told me my levels were 758. They wouldnt check my progesterone and they didnt do an ultrasound because it was too early. I'm going to have to call the RE tomorrow and let them know. My levels have to be really high right now... I mean they were almost 6,000 at 20 dpo. They've more than doubled a couple times by now... so something must be able to be seen on an u/s. I can't wait another 2 weeks for my first u/s. I'm not scheduled to go until Feb.2. It's only January 23.

Oh God. Please. What is happening? Please give me the grace to accept whatever happens. Please God... please heal my body. Please give my husband the grace to accept whatever happens. He will be a wreck. An absolute WRECK. He's already cried about this because he's so upset we are going to lose another one. We both cried... then we found out our numbers were 'wonderful' and now... who knows. I'm so scared. I don't want to be scared. I shouldn't be scared. I should understand that it's not up to me. It's up to nature or God or the universe... or this baby... it's not something I can control. It's out of my hands... isn't it? Should I start using progesterone suppositories? Should I start taking Prometrium? What should I do? My gut is telling me no. Do not take those things. But then I think... what if... what if that will save my baby? But then I remember the last m/c I had when I did take progesterone suppositories and it did NOTHING and I m/c anyway....

Oh my goodness. I just don't know what to do and now I will be a nervous wreck all day and my husband will be asking me what is wrong and he'll have to guess that I am cramping and yes, we might lose this one too.. and it might be all over before it even begins.

Why do I keep miscarrying at the same time???
So sad. So beside myself. I feel paralyzed. Going to drink lots of water and go lay on the sofa all day while I read books about anything OTHER THAN pregnancy and m/c. Please pray for grace.

Hmmmm left ovary... pinching...

Can't wait for the ultrasound. Feels like its going to take forever to get here already. Oy. So it's not this Wednesday but the following Wednesday. I have to get through a whole week first... Oh brutha. Last night we went out to dinner with some friends. It was nice. When we got home though I had a little pulling sensation in my left ovary. Didn't like it. It was like a sharp pain... or a pulling sensation... I felt it the other night in bed too when I stretched over funny. Hrmmmm... Trying not to get too nervous about it... It went away today but feels like it might come back if I stretch funny again or if my body starts getting tempermental. So now of course I am nervous. And scared. I'm afraid. I'm working on being hopeful. My numbers were incredible for crying out loud.. but I'm afraid. Please God be with me. Give me grace to accept whatever comes our way. Please be with us.

How I feel physically....

Wow. Physically I feel terrific! No complaints. I do think I wore pantyhose yesterday that were a little too tight. Ugh and ouchie. But otherwise I feel fantastic! No nausea. No headaches or backaches. No mood swings. No cramping. Nuttin. I do get a sharpness every now and then but they are few and far between. My boobs are very full and not as sore but still tender on the sides. The nipples have stopped hurting. My skin is clear. No breakouts. I'm sleeping well! I still have a little bit of congestion in my chest and nose but that should be going away in another week. I've been resting and relaxing and I think my weight is actually around 149.7 which is great because I have been pigging out a little more than usual (ice cream at night and panera bread sandwich the other day). My appetite has been pretty low lately - not very hungry but I've been eating well anyway. Speaking of which... time to much on this delicious egg sandwich my hubby made for me this morning and I brought it to work with me!

Five Weeks Old Today! Yeay!!!

Today my little sticky beaner is 5 weeks old officially! Yippee!!! Happy 5 weeks old babie!!

No more temps!

Well, I did it! I officially stopped temping today! I have finally resolved to let go and let God. It was quite freeing this morning to not worry about my temp going up or down and wondering if everything is ok. The phone call I had with the nurse yesterday put my mind at ease when she said the numbers looked wonderful and congratulated me. That's never happened before, lol. So- I'm cautiously optimistic for sure! Also, she said that I won't be needing any follow up bloodwork either so that was cool. Just have to wait it out for the ultrasound on February 2. Ground Hog Day! Ahaha. Fun!

OMG! WOW!!!

So I called the RE office today and they called me back with my results... The secretary was like.. your numbers look WONNNNDERFULLLL! Congratulations! I was like Wowow! What!! Are you sure those are my numbers?! WOW!! So..  today they were 5467!!!!! That means they doubled in 1.8 days!! Wow!!!
I went from 2548 up to 5467!!!!!! I'm at 20dpo!! Tomorrow I will be 5 weeks along officially!!!! Wow! Oh man! I'm still too nervous to get all excited!!! But hey- that's a good feeling!! Wow! Cool! So- there ya go! Wow!! Here's a pic from the hcg doubling site:

Up and Down and Here and Gone...

Woke up this morning with a lot of gassy and loose stool again. Ugh. My breasts are not quite as tender as they were yesterday... this seems to ebb and flow... I hope that's what it does anyway... But they are not as tender at any rate. My temp was down a bit to 98.04 but that's still highish. I know I should stop temping now that I am having my levels drawn. Now I have to go for my levels this morning and I won't know what they are until tomorrow afternoon. Once the nurse calls with those numbers tomorrow we will set up my u/s from what I gather. Interesting. I will be exactly 5 weeks on Thursday (tomorrow). Here's my chart:

HCG BACK and P4 - I am shaking all over!

So the nurse just called. My hcg at 18dpo is 2,548!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my progesterone on it's OWN with no medication to help is 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. OMG. My whole body is shaking. I don't know what to think yet. I don't think I've ever had numbers that high before... this early. Omg. Wow. Uh. Can't breathe.

Hilarious! Baby Panic!

I was in tears this morning lmao at this wonferful new site: http://www.lets-panic.com/

Wow! and Yeay!

Holy smokes! I am floored. I thought for sure my temp today would be around 97.79 or lower. My breast tenderness is subsiding a bit but is still there just not as overpowering painful as it was a few days ago. Loose stool this morning. Sorry TMI. My temp this morning was 98.2!!! It's a miracle that it went back up! I was so expecting that to be lower. I'm floored. Absolutely floored right now. Wow! Don't know what to say! What a wonderful surprise. It feels miraculous. Wow. Wow. WOW. Still can't believe my eyes! Thank you. Praise the Lord! Praise Jesus! Hallelueiah! Come on tempies...you can do it!

Rumble...

Had a little rumble in the left ovary area...? Rumble rumble... like a flutter... ? Slight cramping not much. Hard to tell what going on. Oral temp 97.1 soo low! Vaginal temp 99.1... that's much better. I don't know which one to rely on. :P

Ouch... and waiting... to hear...

Ow. My left side is hurting a bit. Discomfort. Down by the left ovary. A little throbbing. Ouch. Just now at 4pm... nothing really all day except that. Of course the doc office won't call until tomorrow with the numbers. So great. I have to wait. Just as well anyway. So... now we wait. Wait to see what the numbers are. Wait to see if cramps will come. Wait to see if all is quiet. Just wait. Wait. Waiiitttt.....

Some crampers....

So I do have some cramping today in the uterus area. :( Not sure what that's all about. My boobs are still majorly sore and nipples too. Had the hcg and p4 drawn today. Will wait to hear back from doc office on what it is. I wonder what my p4 is? I have my guesses but I don't know... My opk strips have the lh hormonone showing as off the chart ... so I hope the p4 is high. I'm thinking in reality it might be 8.8 or 12? at most? I don't know... If it was over 15 that would be awesome... if it was 18 that would be awesome... if it was over 20 it would be a miracle...

The last miscarraige I had when taking progesterone suppositories my p4 was a 20.. and that was taking 100mg of progesterone suppository every night! So I can only imagine it might be lower than that this time around with no drugs. I wonder if they'll tell me to start using the suppositories? I wonder what my hcg is. I wonder.. I will guess it's around 212? Maybe around 200 something?? If it's lower than that- that can't be good.. it might be higher than that.. maybe but I doubt it. Well... just have to wait and see... I couldnt really guess at all!

Where you goin? Come backup!

Ok- so the cramping I had last night very well could have been gas pains and bowel cramping. I was pretty gassy all night. More so than usual. My stool this morning was unfortuantely quite loose. :\ just like it used to be with the other times that didn't bode well. My temp is down lower again today. :( 98.04. To be fair, it's still pretty high for me, but lower nonetheless. Also, I was up for about 2 hours from 2am til 4:30am because a sound outside was keeping me awake. Ugh. So my hubby put the dehumidifier on for me and it was just glorious white noise... I slept like a baby. I could breathe better... ahhh. I knew that would happen if we put that humidifier on. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning! I hit the snooze 4 times. So I'm finally up. It's almost 6:40 and I had a lot of gas and loose stools this morning. I wonder if that's indiciative of anything coming down the pike. I'm so cozy in my house with my darling husband. I don't want to leave for work!!!! I don't wanna go. I don't wanna! I want to stay here and be a little family. I want us to snuggle and play games and cuddle and make snacks together and be close. :( This sucks. I don't wanna go. It's so dark out too. Ugh. Well, one thing I do have to do today is go for my bloodwork. I guess that will give us a clearer picture of everything at this point. I think I'm still not even 5 weeks along. My boobs still hurt a lot. Not as much as yesterday- but the same places and nearly the same amount of ache.Otherwise feel pretty good. I don't want to leave the house. I want to stay here. I wish we were independently wealthy so we could stay home and be all snuggly all day and work from home if we wanted to. Someday.... I will put that intention out there...

And there's the chart... up and down... and up and down... I have to be honest... I haven't seen ANY pregnancy charts online or in the fertility book that look like this. and NONE have gone down to the coverline. My chart is so wonky. Now I know why they tell you not to chart after you get a BFP. Too much worrying.

Why? In only a number of hours?!!

Now I'm getting nervous. It's 9:00pm on Sunday night my 17dpo. I emailed my doc tonight to say I was going for bloodwork in the morning for hcg and p4. I made it this far.... My nipples are so sore they feel like they are going to fall off... but this morning's temp was only 98.1... down from yesterday... and now... I think I might be getting cramps... slight menstrual like cramping... why???? Why??? Please why? I hope and pray that its just gas... or at least to have the grace to deal with it if its not. I'm so close. Hang in there baby. Hang in there little babie.

Wow! Sore Nipples!

Yikes!! My boobs are soooo sore! This is the sorest they've been! My nipples are actually very tender now in addition to waking up this morning with very heavy, tender breasts, my nipples feel very tender too. That's so good! Wow! I hope this stays the way it is. I'm also breaking out more again on my face. By my nose I have a little zit forming. My temp was a bit lower today 98.1 but I've been checking it throughout the day and it fluctuates from 99 to 98.1 so whatever. I guess it fluctuates quite a bit after you get a bfp. I emailed my doc tonight to let her know I want my hcg and p4 checked tomorrow morning which will be 18dpo for me. Nervous and excited to see what the numbers are. Feeling much better with my cold now. It's almost gone though I do have quite a bit of chest and nasal congestion still left.

More hcg info....

At 14 DPO, the average HCG level is 48 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-119 
At 15 DPO, the average HCG level is 59 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-147 
At 16 DPO, the average HCG level is 95 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 33-223 
At 17 DPO, the average HCG level is 132 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-429 
At 18 DPO, the average HCG level is 292 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 70-758 
At 19 DPO, the average HCG level is 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 
At 20 DPO, the average HCG level is 522 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 135-1690 
At 21 DPO, the average HCG level is 1061 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 324-4130 
At 22 DPO, the average HCG level is 1287 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 185-3279 
At 23 DPO, the average HCG level is 2034 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 506-4660
At 24 DPO, the average HCG level is 2637 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 540-10,000

HCG Doubling Calculator Online

Not sure what my hcg levels are going to be when I get the bloodwork done on Monday. But once I find out I'm going to go back to this website to use their hcg doubling calculator: http://www.baby2see.com/preconception/hcg.html

Cool Tracker!

Link: http://www.c-point.com/JavaScript/calculators/pregnancy_calculator.php

And my cool info:= that shows my maximum gestation due date at 42 weeks and the 'minimum' at 37 weeks.

The Scoop on Poop in early Pregnancy

So guess what time it is? It's TMI time! Yeay!!! Ok- I just pooped. And this time I made sure to check after I pee'd (there was nothing but pee) and pooped (there was nothing but constipatey poop pellets) in the toilet to make sure I wasn't bleeding. The last time I pooped (yesterday) I noticed that the toilet water was turning kind of reddish. I thought.. oh crap... ( pun intended) I'm bleeding? I must be miscarrying. Dang it... but then I remembered there was no blood when I wiped and it just didn't seem like there was any blood a second ago... so what gives??

So today I had to go #1 and #2... After I peed... I watched the toilet... no blood... and then I pooped... and looked again.. no blood... just poop pellets.. finally - the old adage about being constipated in early pregnancy held true! This is a novelty for me. I tend to poop on a very regular basis regardless of circumstance or situation. It's really effortless for me.. I wake up- I poop. Everyday - like clock work. Sometimes my poops are loose, sometimes they are fully formed... they are hardly ever constipated pellets... and I'm not even a big water drinker! Even with the last three pregnancies - I had loose stools in the beginning... but this time its different... I'm actually kind of constipated... I've been getting alot of quiet time and down time and have been drinking my tea in the morning... but still.. nothing... not until about 3pm... then I have to go and when I do... pellets. Great... anyway... I also noticed that when I was barring down to poop.. there was some cm too... white creamy and stretchy... no trace of blood or bleeding...A good sign? Let's hope so! No back pain today. No cramps... nothing negative - just coughing my brains out every 30 seconds and trying to 'rest' which I hate to do. Bah.

Oh wait- duh- so I wanted to let you know what I found out about poop and the 'bleeding.' So I've been taking Prenate DHA prenatal vitamins... (the generic version of them whatever it is) and they have a load of IRON in them.. well I read #1 iron can make you more constiated and #2 iron can discolour your feces and urine. Makes sense... My feces have been dark... like blackish.. and if I told my mom this she would FREAK OUT because she's obsessed with poop consistency and color. She would say- omg Laney you are bleeding internally... but I'm not- it's the iron supplements.  Also, I read that the iron supplements can give your poop the muddy red color of iron! So there you go.. that's actually what the red 'blood' color was in the toilet before... It was the solid mass of blackish poop (from the iron in the prenatal vitamins) dissolving in the urine and toilet bowl water- which caused the water to take on a reddish tint... so it's not bleeding. It's just from the prenatal vitamin. Whew. Mystery solved. Oy yoy yoy!

UP and Down we go....

 

Could this be? Could this be that rising third segment of temps or just wishful thinking? Not sure once again. Temp was up but not as high as yesterday. We did make it to 16 dpo which is good... I wonder how that fares to past attempts? I'll have to see what I can find in my files. I feel pretty good today physically. Mentally, I am feeling frightful of my boss at work. He frightens me. I'm trying not to make a mountain out of a molehill but honestly, I feel afraid to be around him. He is a jerk. A mean, condescending, control-freak jerk. He can be so nasty and talk so condescendingly to me for no reason at all. I think he hates women who have voices. He thinks women need to be dominated and silenced and men should be in control and work outside the home and have all the power while women stay barefoot and pregnant at home. I'm not a barefoot and pregnant kind of gal. I'm a working woman. I've paid my dues. I've put myself through school and have degrees that I am proud of. I am excellent at what I do and I've never gotten anything other than a "above what was expected" review on my annual review. Because I'm a good person and I do good work. Never have given any reason to doubt my efficiency or professionalism. This guy frightens me. I don't know if he is going to snap or what. I'm too afraid to go to HR because I know that doing that will just make the situation worse. Then again, if he starts his act up again with being unprofessional and condescending I will certainly go to HR because I've got nothing to lose at this point. It's a living nightmare to go to work everyday. It's not good for my stress levels. I get palpitations at work and my chest feels tight. My anxiety and panic goes through the roof. The man is unethical it's as simple as that. Anyway. I just want to get a new job so I can get out of there. It's not easy to find a job though, not around here. :\ and not in my field.

So anyway- here we are today. 98.3 degrees- that's cool. That's pretty high- for me anyway. My bbt is usually around 97.79 or something like that on a daily basis so anything in the 98s is pretty high for me. No bleeding or cramping yet. Though I did feel a little bit of pulling in the uterus area today... not cramping - a little sharp pulling.. not sure what that is about. OPK was very positive again this morning. Keep wondering if I should take progesterone or not... I mean Im taking 100mg of b6, 400 mg of folic acid and my prenatal vitamin which also has 1g of folate and 25mg of b6... it might be doing the trick? I dont know...

Had a dream last night that I had a baby girl. That she looked just like me when I was a baby girl. She was so beautiful! I was thinking about breast feeding her in the dream but was a little timid about doing so. I was afraid to do it... she started to suckle my finger so I knew she was hungry and I was kind of like .. uh-oh... how do I do this? Then I woke up. I mean really- how do I do this? It's not that hard to figure out, lol. Anyway, please dear God please please please help me to get a new job very, very, very, soon. I can't deal with that mad man at work anymore. Please God. Please help me. Amen.

Right flank pain?? Oh no...

So here's an update today. I feel so much better than yesterday!!! My cold is almost gone. I did cough up a lot of mucous gross... and nose still stuffed. ugh. Not 100% maybe like 65% right now back to better... Today My body feels sooo much better than it did yesterday. I just had that flu-achey all over ouch... today I have no body pain... BUT now I am noticing a slight ache to my right flank area... which is scaring me... is this m/c .... or worse... an ectopic??? or worse.... a kidney infection or kidney stone???

When I went to the bathroom earlier today I was for the first time in forever a little constipated. I strained a little but not too much... I noticed in the toilet there was red... blood?? From my rectum? or vagina? or pee?? I couldnt tell.. .I'm almost 100% sure it wasnt from my vagina.. because I wiped and it was just creamy cm... same as always... and even rectally- didnt see any blood on the tissue...so??? what the heck would it be? Could urine have a red tint to it? I didn't eat or drink anything weird yesterday... I dont know what to think... I will be keeping an eye out for this going forward...

I also did another opk strip and it was not as dark as the one I did earlier today or yesterday... wah... I dont know... I can't wait for Monday so I can call the doc office and get my blodowork and scan scheduled because now I am worried about ectopic...

Oh my sanity...

Feeling Better but still cluless

So here we are. CD 33, 15 dpo. I ran out of hpt strips so I've been using opk strips. And let me tell you the opk strips are very, very positive. So there must be quite a bit of lutenizing horomone going through my system? Which is good because lutenizing hormone regulates progesterone? Or am I making this up out of thin air. I'm not sure. I thought I read that somewhere. Anyway, here we are. I feel SO MUCH BETTER today. Holy crow. Yesterday I was soooooo sick. So sick. My whole body was in a tizzy. My back was beyond broken with aches and pains and my sinuses were so swollen it looked like I had a bump on my nose! Anyway- my mum came over yesterday and gave me some ny-quil  to take. She said to just take it because I needed to rest and not getting rest wasn't going to help the baby or me so take and rest. Wow. Did it help. I needed to sleep because I hadn't slept in what felt like days. Thank you God. Yes. I slept like 11 hours last night. I am coughing up a lot of mucous how gross!!! Big yucky blobs and blowing nose constantly. Anyway mum said that she took antihistamines and drank wine once in a while when she was pregant with me so she seemed to think a litle ny-quil was ok. It really, really, helped. I also feel a little better today but still under the weather big time. I can't tell if my temp is up because of the fever I had or because of the pregnancy. On Monday I will call the doctor's office to get my hcg levels checked to see what the story is. I might miscarry over the weekend :( but I'm still holding out hope that I won't. I'm pretty much clueless about this pregnancy right now. Not sure what will happen. It is discouraging to see that my breasts have returned back to a much smaller state :( and are not as tender as they once were. The back pains yesterday made met think I would miscarry this weekend. But I couldn't tell if it was miscarriage pain or if it was my body aching from the cold that I caught.

Only time will tell. There's not much you can do in the first 7-8 weeks anyway except wait it out until you get to about 7 weeks and hopefully they will find something on an ultrasound scan. All we can do it wait....

In the meantime, I did have night sweats last night and soaked through my pyjamas and the sheets... ugh! That was either from my fever breaking or the actual nightsweats that I get when I become pregnant tho- if it was pregnancy night sweats they came much later than they usually do. The last three times I was pregnanat (and m/c later) I got night sweats around 12 dpo.

On top of being sick, my face is breaking out! I have a zit on my chin, one on my cheek and one on my neck? Ew. All on the same side of my face. What's that all about? I wish I could know what is going on. Am I going to carry a baby to term? Am I going to m/c again? I don't really have a 'normal' to compare this to. Hrmph.  Just going to focus on healing myself this weekend and getting better from this cold. I need to rest, relax, and stay calm and hydrated. The humidifier really helped last night too. Thank God I have some relief today! THANK YOU!!!!I was suffering terribly yesterday!

I think it's an encouraging thought that the opk strip was really alot darker than it's ever been... but I dont want to get my hopes up.It's not an hpt first of all, and secondly it doesnt mean that anything is viable yet either. My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum... the placenta and the gestational sac grew and grew up to almost 10 weeks but there was no baby. So my hcg levels were high and going up but - no baby. It wasn't until about 10 weeks when I started cramping and bleeding bright red blood that we went for an emergency u/s and saw that we had no baby - just a big placenta and gestational sac. :( That was not fun to pass- very strange and awful. Anyway- supposedly that only happens once to a person. So I'm trying to focus on the positive. With our second pregnancy we had a yolk sac but the development stopped at 5/6 weeks. That miscarriage was not any where near as awful as the first one. It was more like a heavy period with bad cramping. The third pregnancy was so quick. I used progesterone suppositories from 2 days after ovulation and still miscarried at 35 days even right through the progeseterone suppositories! Again, that was like a heavy period with cramping... After that one I said- that's it... next time I won't use progesterone and maybe I'll try b6 throughout the cycle and see if that helps. So I did. And that's where we are right now...  Not sure which way this is going to go yet...

Backaches, headaches, and sick as a dang dog!

Oh dear God. I am so bloody sick right now. It started a few days ago. I got the chills while at work. I should have known that I was getting a cold. Then I kept having sneezing fits, coughing, sore throat, and can't breathe through my nose. Ugh. I hardly slept at all last night- maybe 45 minutes or an hour tops. I am exhausted. I couldn't breathe! I have to sleep on my back in order to breathe normally. If I sleep on my side my sinuses get blocked up and I can't breathe but if I sleep on my back my sinuses stay open and I can breathe, except eventually I start snoring and then I choke on my windpipe or tongue or whatever ala sleep apnea and then I choke myself awake because I'm gasping for air. Not fun. Not fun at allllllllllll....

Anyway- today I have severe, awful, very uncomfortable lower and mid back pain. No abdominal cramping. No bleeding. No spotting. Just god-awful back pain and pain going from my groin joints down my legs too around the hips. It's just awful. Add to that the fact that I can't breathe through mynose, and I have to breathe through mouth which is making my throat red raw... ow!!!! My eyes are dry and itchy. My face hurts. I have bad headaches and my whole body is moaning for some peace and comfort. Our tub isn't working so I just sat in there and let how shower water go all over my back for some relief. This is crazy.

I dont know if I am miscarrying or if I just have so many hormones going through my body that my ligaments are loosening up? Only time will tell. Thank God I have a few  days off of work to recover before Monday. I'm going to call the RE on Monday to schedule some hcg bloodwork and see what the deal is. I'm scared it might be ectopic or miscarry or whatever. I just want to be safe and healthy and I am suffeing right now.

What worse is that I don't know if I am miscarrying though it does feel like I will... still... I can't take the chance and so I am not using any medicine at all! nothing for my sinuses or fever or anything... so I'm like sick doggie over here just waiting it out. Torture. I dont know if I should be hopeful or realistic am I just deluding myself? I might be in denial about miscarriage # 4.... but I hope I'm just in denial that I am pregnant and have a healthy baby growing. Wish I could breathe!!!!!

stable or stumble

Here's today pic of the day:

This morning's temp was stable at 97.9 as you can see in the chart above. My cervix is low, closed, and very firm. This is the first time I think I ever knew for sure that it was firm there was no question about it. Not sure if that's indicative of anything. I think I'm going to call the RE this morning for a blood pregnancy test. I'd like to know what my hcg and progesterone levels are. It's so hard to tell what is going on over here.

On one hand, my breasts are becoming more tender by the day... it's like they were full-on tender to begin with, then around 9 dpo all tenderness went away. Then it started to come back when my temps went up. Now it's getting increasingly more tender. What can it mean? To me that is an encouraging sign. Curiously enough, I did not get night sweats (to my knowledge) at all this time around. Very strange as for the past three pregnancies (read: every pregnancy I've ever had) I have gotten night sweats right around 12 dpo. Nothing this time. Zip. Nadda. That's odd to me. Of course every pregnancy I have ever had also ended in m/c. So maybe that's a good thing that I didn't get them.

I think if I had morning sickness I would feel a lot more confident in this pregnancy. I know not every woman gets morning sickness but I also just read in WTEWYE that morning sickness is a healthy sign of pregnancy. I want that healthy sign of pregnancy. Curiously, my boobs, which prior to 9 dpo got HUGE and swelled up quite a bit, have not returned to a swelled state. In fact they look the same as they always do- so I don't take that as a good sign. No more brown discharge lately, which I also read in WTEWYE is a not so great sign, however when I check my cervix this morning. I could kind of get the idea that theremight be more brown to come in a few days. I could be wrong. I hope I am.

Ugh. I don't want to get the blood tests done, but it's probably better to do that just so I can confirm that this is happening and see what direction it is going in. :\

I should also note that the second hpt I took was just as I had worried about- it was not darker than the first one. It was about the same or a little lighter. Yeah. And the opks I keep using are getting lighter too. That means that the hcg isn't doubling as it should from what I can tell. So... what's the deal? Is this hormonal? Is my luteal phase too short? Maybe it was only going to be about 8 days long or 9 days long and then implantation happened. Can you see that on my chart? My 7 dpo progesterone test was a 9.1 - which is just below the 10 that most docs hope to see. Dunno what to think.

UPDATE:
I feel kinda sick today- like head cold congested sick. I have bad heart burn, ouch! Cant breathe through my bose, constantly sneezing, running and stuffed nose, itchy eyes, chest hurts. Felt a little queasy this morning but felt better after I ate some eggs and toast. Ugh. And I don't want to take any advil cold and sinus because I'm not sure about babie. Ugh. Also- I felt a nathaloian cyst on my cervix today. Never felt one ofthose before. Like a hard grain of salt or sand. Bad heartburn!!

Websites and Info

http://pregnancy.about.com/od/pregnancycalendar/ig/Early-Ultrasound-Photos/
http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/pregnancycalendar/l/blpregcalc.htm

And I just read on line that some light brown spotting could mean something or it could mean nothing. Curiously, my breasts are not as swollen as they were before my temp dip at 9dpo. They are still a little sore on the sides if you press. My nipples were a little itchy last night but not like they were before. I also do not have morning sickness (boo!) and strangely enough- I actually did NOT get night sweats this time around but my husband did! He woke up this morning and told me that he had night sweats last night. I was like wow. I was expecting those but didn't get any this time around. I usually get them at 12 dpo.. but today is 12 dpo so I might get them tonight. Or I might not. I think what I am going to do is another hpt either tonight or tomorrow morning to see if the line is getting darker or stayed the same or is getting lighter. That might give me a better clue about what is going on. I guess I should also call the RE for a blood pregnancy test. Mabe I'll do that on lunch today or I'll just do it tomorrow? I don't know. Ugh. COme on baby! Are you in there babie? :(

See Jane Run. See Spot Ruin Everything.

Mild spotting this morning while using bathroom. Almost like a light beige colored mucous. Could be implantation bleeding. Could be the beginning of the end.... and I'm not exactly a glass half-full girl. :\ Stay tuned...

Stats.... this.

So fertility friend has these little stats colored squares on this chart. See them? There is a green one on day 14 to let you know that's when you should ovulate and there's an ugly yucky horrible red one down there to the right on day 38. Yeah... that one tells you when you should get your period. Really ff? Because that would give me a 38 day cycle and that's never happened before. ::big raspberry:: ugh!

Anyway, I'm kind of using that day 38 as my failsafe date for spotting or other red things of lore. The longest I ever got was nearly 10 weeks. However, that was my first pregnancy and what they actually discovered was that even though my body hung onto the pregancy for 10 weeks, it appeared that the development stopped around 5.5 weeks. No sac. No yolk. Nothing. The good ol' blight ovum with a missed m/c apparently. The next time I made it to about 5.5 weeks and we at least had a yolk sac but that was it. And the last time I made it to about 4.5 weeks... I think it was so brief... maybe only about a week or a week and a half after my missed period.... and I was on progesterone. Go figure. So this time... can we get any further along? These temps are wonkaroo. I read that after you get a bfp you shouldn't temp because they will go up and down. But I kind of want to see and know what is going on as a reference point.

Oh yes and there is definately something goin on down there... I felt some discomfort last night... some cramping, some pulling... some pinching... I hope those are good things and not signs of things pulling away and letting go! Anyway- happy Tuesday! I can't stop sneezing!

Ouchie... hrmph

Discomfort today in lower right abdomen... some pulling behind the belly button. I'm still going to the gym everyday. I started about 2 weeks ago and have been going almost every day. I do about 40 minutes on the elliptical so there's no impact and it gets circulation and blood pumping which is good and healthy for me and anybody else who happens to be in me. ;) Feeling a little bit of discomfort in right lower side. Hope all is well down there. O_O Are you in there babie?

So excited!!

Ok, yes. I admit it. I am terribly, terribly excited at the prospect of this pregancy!!!! Sure I've been pregnant three times before and have miscarried all three times... but that doesn't mean that this time won't work out!!! It just might!!!

Now that's an encouraging thought....

Wow! Now there's an encouraging sign! I think maybe I implanted at 9 dpo... you think? Look at that temp dip? Yipe! Well, let's hope that's what happened. First of all I am floored that my luteal phase is already 11 days long. That is so wonderful. With no medication!!! Secondly, I'm so thankful and appreciative that my temp went up yesterday and again (big time!) today! Thank you Jesus. Now the trick of course will be to keep it up. I was really surprise this morning to see such a huge increase! That is wonderful!

Also- wow! I've never gotten a positive pregnancy result this soon before! NEVER. So that too is encouraging. In fact, I would say that at 10dpo when I got that very very faint positive (barely visible) that was the earliest I've ever gotten a positive test. With my very first pregnancy which ended in m/c I didn't get a positive until a full two weeks after my period was due. Maybe I ovulated really late in that cycle. With my second pregnancy same thing... I didn't get a positive test until much later (m/c) and with the third pregnancy that we just had back in September of 2010.

So who knows! All I know is that I'm pretty pumped for this to work. My God! Wouldn't that be a miracle!!! Wouldn't that just be amazing!!! I sure hope I'm not being naive about this. I'm not a chart expert and maybe my wonky chart is giving off indicators that this won't last much longer for all I know... but hopefully- that's not the case! Oh baby! Are you in there baby! =D

10 dpo with very light positive hpt!

So today I am 10 dpo. I had a very, very light positive on the hpt and a definite positive on opk which means that there is hcg in my system. I have some lower abdominal cramping, some back pain, and a pulling sensation in my belly button. Other than that I feel ok. My boobs are tender on the sides a bit... but not as much as a few days ago. Oh dear, I really do hope this keeps going and doesn't go away in a few days. Are you in there baby?

If there is a bean...

So if there is a little beanner marie in there, here's the info so far from a couple of different sources... hmmm... I fudged my lmp date on the one above (dec. 16 instead of dec 13) because I ovulated later and wanted my ovulation date (of conception) to be correct.

And then this:




Today is Sunday January 9th 2011.You conceived on Saturday December 18th 2010
and your due date is Saturday September 10th 2011.
22 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 244 days before your due date.
You are 5 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 35 weeks to go.
You are in the 1st trimester.

To bean... or not to bean? That is the question!

Ok folks. Here we go! So this morning I woke up with a higher bbt... not super high, but higher than the last few that's for sure. It was 97.58 When I put the temp on my fertility friend chart the cover line was automatically changed to a lower temp. That's so funny. I wonder why they do that or how that works? I'll have to read up on that at their site. I also decided well- let's just see for the heck of it... and peed on an hpt and an opk. I did the opk first. It was pretty positive. Which says something because prior to an lh surge that sucker is not even visible. Right before I ovulate it becomes pretty positive too... and I read that if you get a positve opk after you ovulate it could mean you are pregnant. If you go to poas website you can read about it here. Something about the chemicals in hcg and lh being very similar except one is 'wearing a hat' or something. Soooo... I did have a positive opk today at 10 dpo. Wow! Right! Then I did an hpt... an internet cheapy hpt... and an early response hpt. Keeping in mind that I am on CD 28 and I have no idea how long this cycle is going to be... 28. 29, 32 days? Who knows... So the internet cheapy hpt has a very, very, very, very, light, can't really see it unless you squint your eyes and turn it sideways under a magnifying glass - light line to show a positive hpt. Wow! Right! Maybe... maybe... we'll see. The early response was negative - totally flat out negative. So much for an early response. Or maybe that's the right test and the internet cheapy hpt is just foolin with me. Or this could be a chemical pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be testing this early or treating my body like a science experiment but I'm just trying to get some answers...

For instance- and this is very important to know- this is not a late implantation. I had believed that all of my miscarriages were happening due to late implantation. I had assumed that when I got night sweats at 12 dpo with two of my last three pregnancies that it meant that I was implanting on 12 dpo... which would be much too late of an implantation. I read somewhere that the m/c rate for late implanters is like 85% if you implant on 12 dpo as opposed to an earlier implant around day 6-10 dpo. So now I know that implantation possibly happened yesterday at 9 dpo? This is new to me! Also- I have not had any night sweats, so far.... so I will take that as a very, very good sign.

My breasts are still tender on the sides but not as bad as they were several days ago. Oh my goodness, can you imagine? They were beyond painful and then it all came to a head the other day I thought my nipples were going to fall off they were so sore and sensitive, even my bra and cotton t-shirt were irritating to the touch.

Apparently I have also been a total crab-apple around the house? I didn't think so, but then again, I'm not in the best state of mind right now. I have to go back to work tomorrow after having 2 weeks off and right before I left I got into a screaming match with my boss and then stormed out and said I wouldn't be in for the rest of the day or the next day and then took a week off and called in another week off. Eek. Yeah. Well, now I'll be eating crow. What a disgusting image. Anyway- I'm loaded to the hilt with anxiety and fear and am desperately trying to get a grip before I loose my mind. I just have to go in tomorrow and try to be professional and friendly? and just push through it. He could fire me, yell at me, have me into his office for a 'talk' which will basically be him telling me what an idiot I am and how lucky I am that he hasn't fired me. Oh god. He can be so intimidating. It's just awful. Plus he knows I need this job because my husband was laid off from work a few months ago and we just built a house which we can now barely afford. Or he might write me up, or he might give me the silent treatment for the week which would be fine with me. It's a funny work relationship. I've been there for 5 years and we've had explosive arguments before. In fact within the first three months of me working there I came home in tears because he and I got into it. It's usually over his unprofessionalism and my emotionally reactive response to his snarky behaviour. What makes it hard is that 1.) I am a total doormat when it comes to turning anyone in to 'hr' because I feel like that would only make things worse if I wanted to continue to work there (and it would, trust me) and 2.) I believe in karma. So I don't want to be the person that tattles on the bully because I believe in self-preservation and also I feel like eventually he'll just out himself with his behaviour anyway so why should I ruin the guy's life? and 3.) He's pretty funny and not so bad most of the time. (Now tell me that doesn't sound like the girl in an abusive relationship who is like... yeah- he tosses me around sometimes but hey- he's pretty alright most of the other times). ugh.

Anyway, I guess I haven't been a joy to be around the past few weeks. Sorry about that. Plus my hormones are a little wacky too me thinks. Ah well. Hey, welcome to life!

Alrighty then....

When I woke up this morning and realized that my breasts no longer hurt... at all... I knew it was probably because of the temp drop that I had the day before and/or that I was going to experience another probable temp drop this morning. Temp drop = relief from discomfort like sore bbs, nausea, etc... Temp drop = pregnancy is over ie: miscarriage. Temp drop = bad news in the world of pregnancy and trying to conceive. Sure enough, there it was... 97.33 another imment sign that aunt flo is on her way. Well I made it to a 9 day luteal phase so that's good. Let's see how much longer it can go. I did an opk this morning just for kicks. The last time I was pregnant I had a bunch of opk strips laying around but no hpts. I read online that hcg and fsh are similar chemicals in the body and a strong opk after you've ovulated could be indicative of a positive hpt. So I had an opk that was in the middle this morning. Certainly not 100% positive but not 100% negative either. I just want to groan and yelp right now. So I guess I didn't even get pregnant this cycle? Did my hubris of "we get pregnant so easily but can't make it stick" finally come back to bite me in the ass? Yes. Apparently now, I can't even get pregnant... which kind of makes me wonder...... I don't know. Is it a sperm issue? I highly doubt it. Let's face the facts here folks. I am 35. Of course this was happening when I was 34 too. But still, I'm no spring chicken. My husband is young and healthy and a handsome bugger to boot. It can't be him. And even if it was him, I wouldn't want him to know. Why should he? We can't (or won't) do anything (invasive) about it and it would just crush him. He doesn't need that. :( Me? I can handle this. My body is obviously not having it. Sometimes we need to go with the flow I guess. And in this sad case... go with the aunt flo. Happy Saturday! Bah.

Cramps and ouch!

Ok. So it's about 10:10pm on 8 dpo... and my nipples are very sore and itchy. Ew and this never happens before I get pms... also, my uterine area feels contracty- like crampy a little... so aunt flo must be on her way in the next few days... I would really, really like to see no spotting and at least a 14 day luteal phase here but that's probably pushing it big time. I think the best I can hope for is a 32 day cycle which would put my luteal phase at oh- wait a sec... yeah... 14 days? Really? Unless I calculated that wrong, but I'm pretty sure if I ovulated on Day 18 then Day 32 would put me at 14 days. That would be cool. But that also wouldn't tell me what the problem is with the recurrent m/c.

In other news, as I try to find my life's purpose... I think it is woth noting that I came across a website that said in order to discover your life's purpose you should write down a list for 20 minutes of all the things that come into your mind and that should help you discover your life's purpose. I tried this. I think I failed. I rand out of stuff to type around 86 or so and just kept writing whatever came into my head even if it didn't make sense... so here's a look at the exercise... dang nabbit. I just wish my life's purpose would reveal itself to me. I'm 35 and... well... really?? When's it gonna show up already?!

What is my true purpose in life?

1.       To be a mother

2.       To be a wife

3.       To be a teacher

4.       To be a writer

5.       To be an activist

6.       To be an advocate

7.       To be a millionare

8.       To be an actress

9.       To be a director

10.   To be a mystic

11.   To be a healer

12.   To be an animal lover

13.   To be a nurse

14.   To be a doctor

15.   To get my doctorate

16.   To work in sales

17.   To be an executive

18.   To be a drama coach

19.   To be a theatre director

20.   To be a restranteur

21.   To be a chef

22.   To be a cook

23.   To be a waitress

24.   To be a linguist

25.   To be a gymnast

26.   To be an archeologist

27.   To be a dentist

28.   To be a numerologist

29.   To be a screen writer

30.   To be a muscle car owner

31.   To be a tree chopper

32.   To be a vegetarian quisine critic

33.   To be a wedding planner

34.    To be a travel agent

35.   To be a home nursery director

36.   To be a gardener

37.   To be an entrepreneur

38.   To be a race car driver

39.    To be a scuba diver

40.    To be a bad robot

41.   To be a rational lawyer

42.   To be a rash eradicator

43.   To be an elevator repairman

44.   To be a prayer and a wing

45.   To be a jump rope artist

46.   To be an artist

47.   To be a performance artist

48.   To be a quiet observer

49.   To be a never ending story teller

50.   To be a remote control operator

51.   To be an emergency room door

52.   To be a squirrel in central park

53.   To be a zen palate bowl of lukewarm soup

54.   To be a glass ballerina

55.   To be a makeup artist

56.   To be a brow tweezer specialist

57.   To be a grade school teacher

58.   To be a rehab counselor

59.   To be a counselor

60.   To be a guidance counselor

61.   To be a career coach

62.   To be an anger management coach

63.   To be a psychiatrist

64.   To be a psychologist

65.   To be a veterinarian

66.   To be a spiritual advisor to the united nations

67.   To be a magazine editor

68.   To be a chief officer negotiator

69.   To be a rock and roll rock climber

70.   To be a beach comber

71.   To be a tour guide

72.    To be a writer

73.   To be a study coordinator

74.   To be a list maker

75.   To be a writer

76.   To be a writer of books

77.   To be a writer of magazines

78.   To be a writer of articles

79.   To be a writer of stories

80.   To be a writer of fiction or non fiction

81.   To be a writer of non fiction

82.   To be a writer of memoirs

83.   To be a writer of published books

84.   To be a writer of human experience

85.    To be a writer

86.   To be a writer?

87.   Really?

88.   A writer?

89.   Of what??

90.   What am I supposed to write about?

91.   Writers write. What am I supposed to write about?

92.   To be a writer of transformation

93.   1993. Graduated high school in 1993 and I can barely remember any of it. Any of it at all. Isn’t it strange? How quickly the years go by. To some those years mean everything to others those years are lost in a haze of smoke exhaled in college, or in pounds lost on a crusade through graduate school. 1993. What dark scary times were those? I can not recall. I do remember overly dramatizing so much of my life. I remember scratching the skin off the backs of my hands. I remember coming home and finding my guns and roses poster ripped to shreds and left on the floor of my bedroom. I remember finding my motley crue cassette tapes with the tapes all pulled out and stretched. I remember wearing my father’s hunter green sweater to a rival school's football game and feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world even though I was just an awkward 14 year old who was armed with only the overly self-confidant social skills of a salesman’s daughter. I remember that there must have been quite a bit of pain. I don’t remember that pain specifically but I do remember the myriad attempts at trying to numb that pain. Emotional pain. Pain caused by my mother or father or just a general sense of anxiety and unrest caused by my mother's reaction to her sister's suicide. I remember smoking cigarettes and letting boys touch and drinking alcohol until I got sick. I remember joining a cheerleading squad and faking my way through basketball games and hiding behind big hair. I remember being terrified of boys and wondering if I would ever really want to ever really want to be with one. They were gross and scary and self absorbed and mean and horny and I remember body odors and shaving legs and never having anything to wear and was I the only one who never seemed to get it right? Being so poor I had to borrow my mothers underwear, her shirts, her shoes which were a size too big for me and I had to stuff with tissues. And then she put a lock on all of the bedroom doors but mine. I remember wanting so badly to have nice clothes to wear and not knowing how to wear makeup or style my clownish hair. I remember being terrified of going to school in the morning almost every morning. I wore a uniform to school but I could never get the face and hair right. I never seemed to have the right shoes or the right socks or that perfect bag... those stupid Espirit bags that everyone had and I couldn't afford. I hated Catholic school. I remember always being late for high school. What a freaking nightmare. I remember now… only 20 years later- the relief that I feel knowing that it’s all a memory , but somehow, somewhere, still feeling like I’m going to be late for homeroom. That sense of urgency and despair, that feeling of free-falling out of control, that darkness of separation from your family (most of whom you didn't get along with anyway, most of whom took some sick pleasure in antagonizing you) and having to spend 8 freaking hours of living hell with other teenagers who were lost or stupid or hormonal o depressed or obnoxious or addicted or in the closet or eating disordered or bullied or clueless or happy or child like and a few mind numbing morons and bullies for teachers/babysitters all of whom taught me NOTHING about culture, life, art, critical thinking, or what it means to live a purposeful life. Fuck you catholic school.... except for my English/Latin teacher. He taught me to appreciate narrative text, dramatic reading, and food. Thank you Mr. K. You made a difference to me.To everyone else- enjoy your mediocre existence you fools.

Exercising my deamons...

I was at the gym today - sweating some good sweat on the elliptical and thought to myself... wow... you know what ... I wonder if you loose memories when you lose weight? When I was in my late 20s I lost about 20-25lbs... which was a lot... I only weighed around 135 to begin with... and I got down to about 110. After I lost all the weight I think I forgot a lot of stuff too... people that I met before... memories from college... gifts that I apparently gave to people who said, 'hey remeber when you got me X for christmas that one year?' and I hadn't the foggiest what they were talking about. Seriously. I wonder if we store our memories in our fat cells and when we lose weight... we lose some of those memories of our former selves too. I hope so.

I know I have a lot of fat on me that I started gaining from 2004 onwards.... onwards up to now.. 2011... and that's a good 7 years of memories... most of them.. well.. let's say the ones from 2004-2005 I could do without... But from 2006 onwards... I'd say good times... and some sad times... but all those times were with my soulmate so I'll take all those memories with me thank you.

It's so hard to lose weight. I can't believe I weigh 152lbs. I can't believe I got this fat. I can see it now. It just hits you one day when you wake up. Wow. Bang. I'm fat. Ew. My little waist is not little it's thick. My thighs are not just enormous... now they are gigantic. My butt is still big and beautiful except now it hangs down lower!! Ugh. Oh yeah. And let's not forget what it does to your face. Now I have double the fun... I think my eyelids are even getting fat! Bah.

Of course it would all be worth it if I was pregnant or had already had children. It would be a price to pay for such blessings and I'd gladly pay it. Dang nabbit. Am I just not destined to be a mom? Maybe. I just don't get it. I just don't understand. I've never been promiscuous, no stds, no major health problems, no health problems at all really, always have been fairly active and energetic. Now apparently my aunt had three or four miscarriages before she conceived her son. She's dead now. She was morbidly obese and always had been obese. My mom said not to compare myself to her because she had a lot of health problems (perhaps related to her weight but I can't be sure) but I disagree with my mom. I know my aunt struggled with facial hair ... I have some stray hairs myself that I need to keep an eye on. I wonder if she had pcos. Apparently I do not but I can't help but think that the stray hairs I find on my chin and other body parts aren't related to pcos or some kind of hormone imbalance.

Ah hormone imbalance. How you mystify me. I wonder. I really do. Luteal phase defects? Do I have one? Who knows. I'm already at 8dpo... which means my luteal phase is at least 8 days long... so far... right? ok... but I do spot for about 3 days before my actual period comes. And I continually miscarry at week 5/6 which I read somewhere is also due to luteal phase defect... I ovulate later in my cycle but the one cycle I had back in August I apparently ovulated on Day 14/15. Lately I've been noticing a day 19/21 ovulation date. My cycles are always regular I guess? I mean - what constitutes an irregular cycle? It seems like my cycles go like this ... one month they are 27 days... the next 32.... the next... 29... the next 32.... the next. 27... the next... 31... the next 24... the next 27... the next 30.... ??? Is that irregular? I don't know and the docs seem to think there's nothing wrong with it. My 7 dpo progesterone measure was 9.1 - now isn't that too low??? The RE said no. She said nothing to worry about. Grr... Who knows...

Ok... end of rant.

updates on dpo signs

1 dpo- very slight uterine cramping
2 dpo- acne, broke out on chin, lip, neck not much but never really break out
3 dpo- breasts seem a little fuller but could be eyes playing tricks on me
4 dpo- first time I noticed creamy thick cm
5 dpo- backache, used heating pad, creamy cm- temp dipped below coverline :\
6 dpo- headache (never get headaches), creamy cm, breasts tender on sides
7 dpo- exceptionally sore breasts, higher temp, creamy cm
8 dpo- lower right uterine cramping, lower left rumbling, skin break out, lowtemp

We were dead before the ship even sank....

I guess I tend to be a rather negative person but never thought of myself that way... always just thought I was being practical and realistic. My husband tells me that he thinks my philosophy is " we were dead before the ship even shank" haha.. that's so terrible but true... What can I say? I've been kicked in the teeth (figuratively) so many times with this pregnancy stuff (am I or aren't I or how long will I be for?) that I'm at my wits end. Then again... I guess that attitude just kind of permeates every other area of my life that seems to cause me stress. Argh.

Well anyway, this morning I have good reason to believe that we are dead before the ship even sinks. :\ I have another dropped temp this morning! Son of @*&#$^. I was so disheartened to see that this morning. It's unbelievably crappy. I dropped below the coverline again today at 8 dpo... but this time I dropped wayyyy down.

It's taking everything in my power to resist taking prometrium and/or a suppository right now. First of all, there's no confirmed pregnancy. It's too early to tell and this month was really about trying to see how long my luteal phase is not about trying to get pregnant... who am I kidding. Of course I want to get pregnant!! But I'm so scared and so nervous and I'm just at wits end. The last time I got pregnant was back in August of this year.... I actually started using the progesterone suppositories (100mg once a day at bedtime) and here's what happened in that cycle... I STILL MISCARRIED.

 Yeah. So that pretty much squealched my faith in progesterone therapy. And what stinks is that I know an acquaintance of mine who used prometrium after 3 miscarriages in a row and carried to term... of course she also already has a 10 year old child anyway... so it's like comparing apples to oranges. Secondary infertility sucks- but I'll tell you what- and you can quote me on this... it doesn't suck as  much as primary infertility... at least you have a child. God forgive me. That's a terrible thing to say and I don't know the pain of what secondary infertility is like, oh wait, that's because apparently I can't even have a child- so I'll never know what it's like to not have a second or third one. :P 

Ok. I should really just cross all that bitter jibberish out right now. Shame on me. I'm a terrible person. I bet that's why I can't keep a pregnancy- too much negativity. Yeah! That's it. I should just 'think positive' and everything will be beautiful and ok! Argh. I'm really on a rant today aren't I?

Oh yes. I am so bitter right now. I've got breasts that are sore and full and I know my body is just so trying to impant a little embryo at the moment. I can feel it. I can tell. Or I could be just imagining it... but my breasts are never this sore when I am premenstrual. Oh poo.

I just don't know what to do. Feel so out of control of everything. I guess I will just keep taking my prenatal vitamins, 100mg of b6, and folic acid. Maybe next month will be our month.

Also- I should probably loose about 30lbs. I'm the fattest I have ever been in my life!!! I weigh around 152-155 and I'm only 5'3. That's not cool. How did I even get this big? I was around 137-140 when we got married and I looked pretty good then... what a differnce 10lbs makes on a little frame. I feel like a whale. My measurements are outrageous. I can't wear pants because my thighs are too thunderous... 38|29|42. Ugh. I used to be 36|24|36.5 back in the good old days of my late 20s... Well- the good thing is that I've been getting to the gym almost every day the past two weeks. I've been trying to burn at least 300 extra calories a day. Of course I should also keep a closer monitor on my eating habits as well.

::grumble grumble::

I've been off of work the past two weeks on vacation and it's been SO NICE to be off. I can't wait until I am successful enough to not have to work full-time. That's how I define success. Being able to choose to work if I want to and working only part-time at that. Five days a week is getting old real fast. I've been doing this for 20 years now. Isn't it time for a break? There are so may things a lady needs to do to make a household run. And working a full-time job on top of that is straining and rediculous! No wonder I am such a drama queen at work and drive everybody nuts. It's because I'm pushed to the hilt over here people. I'm under the thumb of the system. Now don't get me wrong, my husband does a lot around the house but still- he also gets to work from home as a writer and is currently on unemployment so he is at home, getting paid, to work full time on his art. Yes. I am slightly jealous. But I am also thankful that he is able to do that. He doesnt belong out in the real world in some real world crappy job. He belongs at home, writing and working on his craft. He is insanely talented and it's only a matter of time before he gets picked up.

Meanwhile, I've had it with working full-time and being under someone's thumb. I've had it because I'm 35 and I ROCK at what I do. I am mega-talented and experienced and very smart and I get sh*t done. Period. I'm good at what I do but I need a break. I need a break from 5 days a week. I could do 3 days ideally. I need a day to do the rest of the stuff that woman should be doing- pampering themselves, taking care of their families, having some free time to feel like a lady so that I can be pleasant and not feel like I want to choke everyone in my family, at the grocery store, at the post office, at the mall, on tv, and in this area because I'm burnt out.

I need time to breathe. I need time to just be. To appreciate art. To dance. To shop with some disposable income of which I have none. I need time to travel. Dear god. I'm so spoiled. Here I am living  in America talking about life on easy street that I need- but gosh darn it- I'm putting the intention out there anyway. I need to be appreciated for the work I do. I need to feel recognized for my contributions. I need to be seen as an expert. I need to be in charge. I need to call the shots. I need to get out from under my boss. I need to be more aimable. I need to get along better with people. I need to be less defensive and stop taking everything so personally. I need to stop letting other people determine my sense of self-worth.

There ok. I said it. Well. That's all for now. Here I am... 8 dpo... just hanging out here waiting for my life to change, or not. How boring. :)

Maybe.... Maybe not... BUT maaayyybeeee!

So here I am at 6 dpo.... of course I didn't temp yesterday. I couldn't find my dang thermometer... it was hidden in the vitamin cabinet next to my prenatals and b6... I must have absent mindedly left it there the day before... luckily I found it last night. So this mornings temp was 98.04... very exciting ... and I have exceptionally, terribly painful breasts today. I woke up in the morning, the early morning, because I was lying on my side and omg the sides of my breasts were so terribly painful... mostly my left breast as I sleep on my left side but the right is sore too. So here's my thinking... I did a little research on the interwebs last night regrading a 5 dpo temp dip past the coverline... it could have been an implantation dip... mebbe. Maybe not though... but so far this luteal phase is already scads longer than my last one from last cycle which lasted all of 3 or 4 days. Thoughts on possible signs of early pregnancy:

1 dpo- very slight uterine cramping
2 dpo- acne, broke out on chin, lip, neck not much but never really break out
3 dpo- breasts seem a little fuller but could be eyes playing tricks on me
4 dpo- first time I noticed creamy thick cm
5 dpo- backache, used heating pad, creamy cm- temp dipped below coverline :\
6 dpo- headache (never get headaches), creamy cm, breasts tender on sides
7 dpo- exceptionally sore breasts, higher temp, creamy/soft yellow cm

That's it so far. Have been taking 100mg of B6 everyday, 1 prenatal prenate dha, 1 400mg folic acid. No progesterone, no suppositories, no prometrium, no cream. Nothing. No pregnancy tea. Just doing what I always do. Exercising every day and eating normally. All hpt and opks are negative at this point (obviously) but still can't help checking them every day. My bbs are really hurting today, and I don't mind one bit!