To bean... or not to bean? That is the question!

Ok folks. Here we go! So this morning I woke up with a higher bbt... not super high, but higher than the last few that's for sure. It was 97.58 When I put the temp on my fertility friend chart the cover line was automatically changed to a lower temp. That's so funny. I wonder why they do that or how that works? I'll have to read up on that at their site. I also decided well- let's just see for the heck of it... and peed on an hpt and an opk. I did the opk first. It was pretty positive. Which says something because prior to an lh surge that sucker is not even visible. Right before I ovulate it becomes pretty positive too... and I read that if you get a positve opk after you ovulate it could mean you are pregnant. If you go to poas website you can read about it here. Something about the chemicals in hcg and lh being very similar except one is 'wearing a hat' or something. Soooo... I did have a positive opk today at 10 dpo. Wow! Right! Then I did an hpt... an internet cheapy hpt... and an early response hpt. Keeping in mind that I am on CD 28 and I have no idea how long this cycle is going to be... 28. 29, 32 days? Who knows... So the internet cheapy hpt has a very, very, very, very, light, can't really see it unless you squint your eyes and turn it sideways under a magnifying glass - light line to show a positive hpt. Wow! Right! Maybe... maybe... we'll see. The early response was negative - totally flat out negative. So much for an early response. Or maybe that's the right test and the internet cheapy hpt is just foolin with me. Or this could be a chemical pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be testing this early or treating my body like a science experiment but I'm just trying to get some answers...

For instance- and this is very important to know- this is not a late implantation. I had believed that all of my miscarriages were happening due to late implantation. I had assumed that when I got night sweats at 12 dpo with two of my last three pregnancies that it meant that I was implanting on 12 dpo... which would be much too late of an implantation. I read somewhere that the m/c rate for late implanters is like 85% if you implant on 12 dpo as opposed to an earlier implant around day 6-10 dpo. So now I know that implantation possibly happened yesterday at 9 dpo? This is new to me! Also- I have not had any night sweats, so far.... so I will take that as a very, very good sign.

My breasts are still tender on the sides but not as bad as they were several days ago. Oh my goodness, can you imagine? They were beyond painful and then it all came to a head the other day I thought my nipples were going to fall off they were so sore and sensitive, even my bra and cotton t-shirt were irritating to the touch.

Apparently I have also been a total crab-apple around the house? I didn't think so, but then again, I'm not in the best state of mind right now. I have to go back to work tomorrow after having 2 weeks off and right before I left I got into a screaming match with my boss and then stormed out and said I wouldn't be in for the rest of the day or the next day and then took a week off and called in another week off. Eek. Yeah. Well, now I'll be eating crow. What a disgusting image. Anyway- I'm loaded to the hilt with anxiety and fear and am desperately trying to get a grip before I loose my mind. I just have to go in tomorrow and try to be professional and friendly? and just push through it. He could fire me, yell at me, have me into his office for a 'talk' which will basically be him telling me what an idiot I am and how lucky I am that he hasn't fired me. Oh god. He can be so intimidating. It's just awful. Plus he knows I need this job because my husband was laid off from work a few months ago and we just built a house which we can now barely afford. Or he might write me up, or he might give me the silent treatment for the week which would be fine with me. It's a funny work relationship. I've been there for 5 years and we've had explosive arguments before. In fact within the first three months of me working there I came home in tears because he and I got into it. It's usually over his unprofessionalism and my emotionally reactive response to his snarky behaviour. What makes it hard is that 1.) I am a total doormat when it comes to turning anyone in to 'hr' because I feel like that would only make things worse if I wanted to continue to work there (and it would, trust me) and 2.) I believe in karma. So I don't want to be the person that tattles on the bully because I believe in self-preservation and also I feel like eventually he'll just out himself with his behaviour anyway so why should I ruin the guy's life? and 3.) He's pretty funny and not so bad most of the time. (Now tell me that doesn't sound like the girl in an abusive relationship who is like... yeah- he tosses me around sometimes but hey- he's pretty alright most of the other times). ugh.

Anyway, I guess I haven't been a joy to be around the past few weeks. Sorry about that. Plus my hormones are a little wacky too me thinks. Ah well. Hey, welcome to life!