I guess I tend to be a rather negative person but never thought of myself that way... always just thought I was being practical and realistic. My husband tells me that he thinks my philosophy is " we were dead before the ship even shank" haha.. that's so terrible but true... What can I say? I've been kicked in the teeth (figuratively) so many times with this pregnancy stuff (am I or aren't I or how long will I be for?) that I'm at my wits end. Then again... I guess that attitude just kind of permeates every other area of my life that seems to cause me stress. Argh.
Well anyway, this morning I have good reason to believe that we are dead before the ship even sinks. :\ I have another dropped temp this morning! Son of @*&#$^. I was so disheartened to see that this morning. It's unbelievably crappy. I dropped below the coverline again today at 8 dpo... but this time I dropped wayyyy down.
It's taking everything in my power to resist taking prometrium and/or a suppository right now. First of all, there's no confirmed pregnancy. It's too early to tell and this month was really about trying to see how long my luteal phase is not about trying to get pregnant... who am I kidding. Of course I want to get pregnant!! But I'm so scared and so nervous and I'm just at wits end. The last time I got pregnant was back in August of this year.... I actually started using the progesterone suppositories (100mg once a day at bedtime) and here's what happened in that cycle... I STILL MISCARRIED.
Yeah. So that pretty much squealched my faith in progesterone therapy. And what stinks is that I know an acquaintance of mine who used prometrium after 3 miscarriages in a row and carried to term... of course she also already has a 10 year old child anyway... so it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Ok. I should really just cross all that bitter jibberish out right now. Shame on me. I'm a terrible person. I bet that's why I can't keep a pregnancy- too much negativity. Yeah! That's it. I should just 'think positive' and everything will be beautiful and ok! Argh. I'm really on a rant today aren't I?
Oh yes. I am so bitter right now. I've got breasts that are sore and full and I know my body is just so trying to impant a little embryo at the moment. I can feel it. I can tell. Or I could be just imagining it... but my breasts are never this sore when I am premenstrual. Oh poo.
I just don't know what to do. Feel so out of control of everything. I guess I will just keep taking my prenatal vitamins, 100mg of b6, and folic acid. Maybe next month will be our month.
Also- I should probably loose about 30lbs. I'm the fattest I have ever been in my life!!! I weigh around 152-155 and I'm only 5'3. That's not cool. How did I even get this big? I was around 137-140 when we got married and I looked pretty good then... what a differnce 10lbs makes on a little frame. I feel like a whale. My measurements are outrageous. I can't wear pants because my thighs are too thunderous... 38|29|42. Ugh. I used to be 36|24|36.5 back in the good old days of my late 20s... Well- the good thing is that I've been getting to the gym almost every day the past two weeks. I've been trying to burn at least 300 extra calories a day. Of course I should also keep a closer monitor on my eating habits as well.
::grumble grumble::
I've been off of work the past two weeks on vacation and it's been SO NICE to be off. I can't wait until I am successful enough to not have to work full-time. That's how I define success. Being able to choose to work if I want to and working only part-time at that. Five days a week is getting old real fast. I've been doing this for 20 years now. Isn't it time for a break? There are so may things a lady needs to do to make a household run. And working a full-time job on top of that is straining and rediculous! No wonder I am such a drama queen at work and drive everybody nuts. It's because I'm pushed to the hilt over here people. I'm under the thumb of the system. Now don't get me wrong, my husband does a lot around the house but still- he also gets to work from home as a writer and is currently on unemployment so he is at home, getting paid, to work full time on his art. Yes. I am slightly jealous. But I am also thankful that he is able to do that. He doesnt belong out in the real world in some real world crappy job. He belongs at home, writing and working on his craft. He is insanely talented and it's only a matter of time before he gets picked up.
Meanwhile, I've had it with working full-time and being under someone's thumb. I've had it because I'm 35 and I ROCK at what I do. I am mega-talented and experienced and very smart and I get sh*t done. Period. I'm good at what I do but I need a break. I need a break from 5 days a week. I could do 3 days ideally. I need a day to do the rest of the stuff that woman should be doing- pampering themselves, taking care of their families, having some free time to feel like a lady so that I can be pleasant and not feel like I want to choke everyone in my family, at the grocery store, at the post office, at the mall, on tv, and in this area because I'm burnt out.
I need time to breathe. I need time to just be. To appreciate art. To dance. To shop with some disposable income of which I have none. I need time to travel. Dear god. I'm so spoiled. Here I am living in America talking about life on easy street that I need- but gosh darn it- I'm putting the intention out there anyway. I need to be appreciated for the work I do. I need to feel recognized for my contributions. I need to be seen as an expert. I need to be in charge. I need to call the shots. I need to get out from under my boss. I need to be more aimable. I need to get along better with people. I need to be less defensive and stop taking everything so personally. I need to stop letting other people determine my sense of self-worth.
There ok. I said it. Well. That's all for now. Here I am... 8 dpo... just hanging out here waiting for my life to change, or not. How boring. :)
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