10 weeks 5 days... and counting....

Hi! Ok just a quick update on how I'm feeling and all that jazz. Feeling pretty good. Bbs are still very tender and heavy and big and still hurt a lot when I sleep but I'm over it. Just went shopping for maternity clothes and nearly broke the bank but its not like I have a fairy godmother who will be buying them for me so alas, it was a necessary evil. Thank God for payment plans on credit cards. Speaking of which, the financial part of having a baby is a little bit stressful. Besides the fact that we will be losing my income after the baby is born, there are so many things to do and buy for the baby before he even gets here. A crib, a bassinet, a rocker, a dresser or changing table. I think of our house and how super tiny it is on top of it and I wonder how we will ever have people over for a birthday party or how our little family will grow. But that's not stuff to worry about for now. For now, we have to figure out how to get our nursery started. My parents have done so much for us already (too much!!) much more than we deserve and much more than the average parent I am sure. But we are so eternally grateful for their help.

The have really done everything to make sure we had a great start in life as a young married couple. Which is more than I can say for other parents. My parents bought us all of our furniture (brand new beautiful furniture) for our living and dining room, our kitchen, bedroom, etc. Everything. The gave us an amazing perfect wedding and reception and paid for everything including my bridal shower and my bridesmaids hair and makeup. My mom did everything with my shower.. EVERYTHING... no help from the other side, no help from bridesmaids, not financially or otherwise. And that's just fine. My parents are amazing. They gave us a very generous down payment for our house (my husbands parents gave us a bit to help out too, less than my parents did and his parents are wealthy whereas mine are hard working middle class and really gave us a big amount to help us out.) And nobody knows!

So you can imagine what I'm thinking about a baby shower already. It's called the other parents better pitch in and help! My parents are drained down to nothing! They have no money left and they shouldnt be put in the position where they are expected to foot yet another bill for something that is a JOINT celebration! Now I can just see how this is going to go down. We have a lot of people to invite for a baby shower and if someone other than my mom plans it- its going to be a disaster. I can tell you rightnow... someone is going to go CHEAP and its going to make me insane... I dont want expensive. I want reasonable and comfortable and lovely. Not some cheap house party. I can just see this playing out at someone's cheapo house where 90 women can not possibly gather for some gross pot-luck food that someone else hodge-podged together.

I just want a nice lovely little party. Something simple and elegant. Not the neighborhood jam session in a backyard or in someone's parlour. So we'll see how this plays out... The thing that ticks me off hte most is that my husband's parents havent even called my parents to congratulate them! Can you imagine?! They havent even picked up the phone to say congratuatlions to the parents of the woman who is birthing their grandchild. What is wrong with people? Is this normal? Is that normal to just be like.. yeay for me (for themselves) and not even acknowledge the people who brought me to this planet as the joint party and cause for celebration? How primitive. Ugh. Mad.

In other news... I feel good. No nausea though I did have some slightly on Saturday and a bit more right now.. but nothing too crazy. I did have some pulling pains in my vagina the other day but they came and went pretty quickly and it was over in a few minutes...

I need to stretch! and walk and exercise and I need to eat better. Because I've been feeling a little sicky Ive been eating whatever I am craving at the moment which is not necessarily nutritious. So I need to pay attention and eat better... eat more fruit and veggies.

I am really looking forward to having this baby!!! :)

10 weeks 3 days, flat out broke and freezing!

Today is Saturday. We finally told my MIL about the pregnancy and she was thrilled and very nice about it. Yeay! Today we will tell my SIL too. She's the last one to know so we want to do something special for her. Gosh dang it- we are flat out broke. We are BROKE. We can't afford to go out with any body or take anyone to lunch and here we are doing it anyway. :\ Please God- please help my husband get a good paying job soon. Please, please please. He's been unemployed for a year since his layoff and things are so tight I could puke. We have no insulation in our house so heating it is a joke. It's freaking freezing in here. Our furance is over 30 years old and is broken and not working correctly. Our pipes are 30 years old... our electrical box is only 100 amps and should be 200... and our electric bill is thru the roof every month because the electricity draws too much energy from the 100 amp box. Oh man... Things are only going to get tighter with a baby on the way and me leaving my job to stay home and care for our newborn. Please God. We need a financial miracle soon.

In other news, I have my first prenatal appointment on March 11 and looking forward to it. I should be around 12 weeks by then. I feel pretty good. Nausea is tapering off... I feel exhausted most days very quickly. My bbs are unbelievably sore and heavy and hurt so much when I wake up in the morning or try to roll over. My face is breaking out. :\ My tummy is showing! Big time! I went to Macys to try on some maternity clothes and I'm already showing wayyy out there! It's really cute and neat. Too bad I can't afford any maternity clothes. :( Nothing fits and everything feels like its strangling me. I'm still trying to hide my pregnancy at work for as long as possible. I dont need the harrassment from my nightmare boss and I dont need questions about our plans when baby is born or when is my husband going to get a a job. I dont need that stress and am putting it off for as long as possible.

In other news I went thru my email contacts and deleted every single person that I didnt know or recognize.. there were over 500 names there.. GONZO. Time to spring clean if you know what I mean.. I also want to delete anyone on facebook whom I dont really consider a friend. LOL.. that will leave me with about 2 or 3 people! LOL. So Im slowly phasing out people whom I hardly speak to or with whom I would not share our baby news... CCCCCYYYYAAAAAA. Out with the old and in with the new... It feels really good actually. :P 

Ouch. and Frustrated with email appointments!

Ouchie. Today I had a painful pulling sensation in my vagina on the way to lunch but it went away after we sat and ate.. then again a few minutes ago while sitting here at the computer I had another spell of the pulling pain in vagina. great. Worries but trying to stay calm and go with it. Frustrated because I dont have an OB or a midwife yet and I emailed for an appointment. I got a 'call' today on my phone but no voicemail. Really? Just set up the appointment people. Frustrating. Grrr... Will call them tomorrow I guess. :\

I'm showing!

Yeay! I'm officially showing today at 10 weeks! My little tummy is popping out and my husband lovingly noticed this morning as I modeled my wrap dress. He just swooned when he saw it! We took some pics. Oh my husband! So loving! He is so overjoyed with our little miracle! And so am I!!!!

Still need a MidWife!

I gotta make some calls again today. I need a midwife or OB asap! :) I sent an email to the local hospital for an appointment with a midwife or OB but that was like 4 days ago and haven't heard anything back from them yet. What's the deal?? Argh. Anyway. Today I am 10 weeks! WOW!! And I want to see my bebe again to make sure he is ok! I'm very excited for the next u/s. I wonder when it will be? Can't wait! Feel great. Just some sore bbs. But otherwise the morning sickness has let up completely since last week.

No more morning sickness?

Just a quick update- no morning sickness today or the last few days! Yeay!! Or I hope that is ok? :\ Great. I don't know if that is a good sign or not. Anyway- that's where I am at with that. Time for bed and hope to check in tomorrow! :)

I'm right on target!

So based on my calculations with a conception date of 12/30/2010 and knowing that my cycles are generally 29 days with a shorter luteal phase of about 12 days (If I'm lucky!) I am right on target with my little guy... here's the calculator I used:

Or here is the other one:

Another cold... :(

Oh man. I got sick again already! Dang it!! Well- I felt FINE yesterday. But I was pretty stressed out. I had to leave work early because my boss and my coworker decided it was time to bust out the booze at work. They started drinking in the hallway/seating area of our office and then I heard him say that they should move into his office because he didnt want to get caught. Gross. They went into his office and closed the door and since MY office is connected to his with a door I could hear everything they were talking about and I just didnt feel comfortable sitting in my office with those two boozing in his office at 330 on a Friday so I left. The heck with that baloney. Are you kidding me? Gimme a break. I dont even feel safe or comfortable when that crap starts happening. It's the culture there. It's a university so people get away with literally murder, and abuse, and drinking on the job, and drug use, there are no repercussions except on the person who rats everyone out- then you get blackballed. So I just remove myself from the situation and now I'm trying to think of what am I going to do during Spring Break? All of the faculty will be GONE and it will be just me and my boss up there on the the third floor of this old mansion. Yeah. No thanks. I'm just going to come and go as I please so I don't have to deal with him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to deal with me either. Good God I hope there is such a thing as KARMA.

In the meantime, I was all keyed up about that garbage at work so by the time I got home I was pretty hormonal and feeling trapped and mad and angry and scared. I'm so mad that I am in this situation and that I have to deal with this stuff. So when I got home I was already wired for a tiff with my darling angel husband who didnt deserve my cranky rant filled tirade. He was sharing some info with me about his day and the stuff he found out about getting a full time job and this lady he talked to at the state building  and somehow it came up that this no-nothing woman was telling my husband that I shouldn't quit my job at the uni because it was a good job. Of course she thinks its a good job. Everyone does- I do too,  but they dont know how difficult it is to navigate all the baloney and mistreatment that goes on there. Also, I want to stay home with the baby and this lady seems to think that I shouldn't! I was like- who is this wacko to judge our decisions and what we are going to do?! Oh get lost! I went bananas and on a cuss-filled rant of expletives. It was not pretty. I upset my hubby and antagonized him so we had a pretty bad tiff. Then my family was coming up for dinner and we wanted to tell my dad, mom, sister about the baby and we had these little fortune cookies made with a fortune about our pregnancy and my mom and sister were pretty excited but my dad was kind of blase about the whole thing which really surprised me because he was the one I wanted to tell the most. He was sooooo happy the first time we were pregnant but then of course I miscarried and everything went to pot. Then we had several more m/c and you know its just sad. So we waited before we got a heartbeat to tell him this time. My mom knew already because she's my mom and I had to tell someone... so she didnt blab to dad... But I think my dad might have felt hurt that we waited to tell him. Or maybe he was just in shock. His reaction wasnt the same as the first time by a long shot. I was kind of bummed out about that but who knows what was going through his head. :( I know he is happy for us and maybe he just didnt feel good.

Between the fight and the parents coming over my hubby and I went for a nice walk. I didnt have a coat on because it was REALLY warm out- like 64 or 65. I had on a sweater- but maybe couple with my ranting and raving and stress and the warm windy weather - I got sick. :P Though now that I think about it- I was sneezing a lot at work yesterday too. So maybe I got sick when our furnace was empty the past two days. We ran out of fuel oil and waited 2 days to get it filled. :\ I bet that was what did it.

At any rate now I am sick as a pup and my father in law is coming to visit tonight. Yeay! I love him. He is so fun and cute and wonderful. Just like my own dad. Dads are great! It's incredible windy out and I believe its below freezing again- its weird weather. Hubby has me propped up on the sofa with a good book, water, and tissues. My nose is sooo stuffed O_o and keep sneezing. Ugh. I hope all the snow melts soon. When I was coughing/sneezing yesterday my little uterus/ovaries hurt. Ouch!

Well time to rest and drink my fluids. I took 2 vitamin C and my prenatal, folic acid, and b6. Now it time to rest. I dont want to take any medicine if I can help it. I also just painted my nails and it stinks. P.U. Ok rest time.

Thank God It's Friday!

TGIF! Finally- the weekend is here! Still have very sore bbs and nausea galore- but I have to say it's not so bad that I can't function- but it's noticeable enough that I am functioning more slowly! Otherwise I feel pretty good. We went for a great walk yesterday and that felt really wonderful. It's starting to warm up out there so I'm looking forward to summer! I don't care much for spring- ugh- I think it's like the adolescence of the seasons... awkward, grey, overcast, windy, etc.. until the warm wonderful summer gets here. Can't wait!

In other news, I'm having some reservations about mommyhood and being a SAHM. Dangerously, I have placed a large amount of my identity on my work life-- not good. My husband says I should place my identity on my artistic endeavors because they are everlasting and always a part of me. Worklife is unstable and co-workers are fickle. Jobs change and careers fluctuate. It's true. Still, with my art taking a back seat in recent years and having become the breadwinner since we were married- I've felt a lot of pressure to maintain full-time employment at a job that I'd rather not be at some days (mostly because of my boss) because without it, we would not have been able to survive. So I've become accustomed to getting up every day, getting dressed up, and having some where to go and something to do... though that's debatable as most days there's not much to do!

It doesnt help much that we live in a lovely area that is not metropolitan in the slightest- ugh. Suburbia. Safe and wonderful and absolutely boring. The 'things to do' include shopping at the major chains (boring and we are broke!) and that's pretty much it. There isnt a lot of art or culture around here and I'm begininng to wonder what my days will be filled with as a SAHM.

9 weeks! Wow!

Yesterday was a big day! We went for our 2nd ultrasound and we measured in at 9 weeks exactly! :) Right on target. I thought we might have measured 9 weeks 2 days since 14 days ago we were 7 weeks 2 days... but the u/s is not precise- just fairly accurate. Plus- I thought 7 weeks 2 days was a little bit further than what I calculated so 9 weeks seems to be measuring totally accurately. The doc said bean looked BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT! We heard the heartbeat today! Omg. It was so beautiful and he was even squirming about a bit so she really had to work at getting a good picture! OMG!! That's our little cutie pie! Can't sit still very long! lol. Soooo cute. I could just scream! We are so happy!!!!!

Oh by the way- about the job and the call for an interview...it was for a job that I didn't really want that much... kind of like a side-step not a step up... and the pay range was below what I am making... and I also realized that I had a higher education level than my would-be boss and colleagues.. so that was a recipe for disaster... people get funny with that stuff sometimes... Anyway it all worked out because 1.) I didnt have to beat myself up for not taking my 'dream job' at a different uni.. and 2.) I didnt want that other job anyway and 3.) I didnt want to forfeit all the time off that I accumulated in the past several  years with my maternity leave and all that jazz... so ... there you go! It all worked out in the end... I am staying put for hte time being and I hope and pray that everything stays quiet and even keel until I give birth and afterwards and then I will work probably for a week or two full-time and then give my notice that I'll be going to part-time - either here or somewhere else. Hubby is applying to all sorts of jobs too and I hope and pray he gets one that at least matches my income level since we will be doing the switcheroo in a few months... he work fulltime and I will be home with baby and either not work or only work a few hours on the weekeneds to help pay my student loans and credit card bills. That's all for now- later!

Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is the day of love! And after last night's long talk with hubby, boy do I need so loving. Whew. I'm wiped out. We talked a lot about what the deal is, what the plan is, what I want, what he's trying to do, how I feel like he's dragging his feet, how he feels like we're drifting apart and I am a doom-sayer. It was not pleasant to say the least. He did say some really insensitive things that are still stinging me today and making me feel not so great towards him. I'll have to talk to him about that later so we can work through it. But Happy Valentine's Day. We are supposed to celebrate love today. And by celebrating love, we are celebrating the imperfection of being human. How perfectly imperfect we are, but together we are nothing short of a miracle. And speaking of miracles we still have our own little cupid on the way.

Thank God it is getting warmer outside. Our oil is just about dried up and our firewood has one last pile left to burn. I think the high is going to be around 46 today so that is terrific. Hopefully we continue on this trend upwards.

So I am going to call the lady back at the HR department for this job interview today. I'll see what she says and which job the interview is for. I think I need to play this one by ear. I haven't been on an interview in a really long time and at least this way I get to check the place out. Please pray for me. I feel so turbulent inside.

I met with my mom yesterday and while it was good to talk to her and have her validate my fears and that I'm in a tight spot, it probably would have helped a little get some encouragement on the situation too.. you know- the whole 'you'll figure it out, you guys will get your act together, you can do this.' I'm kind of disappoint that there wasn't more of that talk. :( That might have helped my mindset a little better. But I think she knew that misery loves company and I wanted to vent so of course she did what any girlfriend would do- she jumped on the bandwagon and said "heeeeyahhhh" to the horses who ran away with the cart! Jeepers cats. My fault though. I just wanted to stew in misery and I'm glad I did because now that I got it out of my system, I am getting better perspective on things. Like, hey- wtf. My husband and I are smart, industrious, creative people! Of course we are going to figure this out. No, its not going to be easy, yes things are going to be tight, but come heck or highwater, I'm staying at home with my baby for the first few years of its life and my husband and I will find a way to make that work... without giving up our home and without moving back in with one of our families.  We can do this!

Thank God it's a quiet day at work today. Normally I dread the quiet days (I really want to jump off a cliff in the summertime when there's nothing to do and it feels like such a waste to be there) but I'm exhausted today from staying up chatting pretty late, and emotionally- I'm feeling a little blue and still out of sorts from everything. I need to focus and mentally get myself in a good place. Next ultrasound is on Wednesday and I can't wait to go. We took down all of our Christmas decorations finally.... the house looks so stark now. :P A little bare, but we'll get used to it again in a while... we always do! Lord be with me today. Fill me with your love and peace. Use me as your instrument. Shine through me to show love to all.

UPDATE: I wound up taking the day off and staying home with my hubby- it was the best thing we ever could have done for ourselves! I feel my spirit is refreshed and my love and my marriage is stronger than ever. I sorely needed that time off with my husband just to be together and enjoy the day. We went for a lovely walk, a beautiful lunch and a great dinner too! Then we browsed and window shopped at the baby store and started picking out which furniture we like... Wish everything wasn't so darn expensive! Hopefully grandparents will kick in and help us get the nursery put together!!!! :) :) :) because we are broker than jokers! 

Decisions Decisions....

Still on the fence about what to do... can't believe I am getting a call for a job interview for the place I have been desperately trying to get a job at for the last 4years. I applied Dec. 23 for the job and found out several weeks later I was pregnant... then I get a call for an interview a couple days ago when I am almost 9 weeks along.... I can't believe this! I dont know what to do.. if I stay at current job that SUCKS and with my psycho mean boss who is an idiot.... I will have 8 weeks of paid maternity leave in the fall... if I go with the new employer I will have to tell them eventually that I will need at least 12 weeks of UNPAID time off to care for a newborn in the fall.. and if its for the job that I want - recruiting - than that means the fall is the busy time of the year for them! :( oh dear... I dont know what to do... this stinks... trying to stay positive... wish I could predict the future!

Feeling really exhausted today and didnt do much. My boobs hurt and I felt a little tender in the uterus... other than that doing good. Weight is 149 so I'm steady and havent gained maybe lost a few pounds. Good. I'm too heavy to begin with. Well- time to relax a little and enjoy one more day of not wondering what to do... I guess I'll call the new employer place and set up for an interview... can't hurt to check it out, right?

No worries!

Wow. I should have enjoyed a few moments of pain-free boobies. They actually began to get sore again around mid-day yesterday and were back to their normally full and sore selves by the end of the day! This morning- same as usual- ouchie! lol.. I can't believe I was so worried. Well- talk about something NEW to worry about!!!! I got a call from a new employer's HR department that I need to call them back at my earliest convenience!

Of course.

Yes of course this is all happening right now. All at the same time. Everything I ever wanted! A baby, a new job... here you go! Help! So I am almost 9 weeks along now. What am I? 8 weeks 5 days. I've had 3 consecutive miscarriages and this is my 4th pregnancy... will it stick? I think so- but who am I to say? I'm reading everywhere that I shouldn't tell ANYBODY that I am pregnant until I am at least out of the 1st trimester- so once I hit 12 weeks... that's when I will share the good news... in the meantime, what do I do now that I might have a job interview soon? The position is at a university so who knows if it would start in a few weeks.... OR... in June when the new fiscal year begins??

Also, I really want to work at this unviersity. I applied for the job on December 23, a week before I even concieved. And now that it is February 12- I am 8 weeks along... so yeah- a lot happens in a few short weeks between when you apply for a job and when they actually call you for an interview! That's not my fault. Jeepers. Also, I could get pregnant within a week of starting a new job and who would even know? They would still need to deal with it. So confused... at a Catch 22.. dont know what to do.

I desperately want to get out of my current job. I've been there 5 years and believe me- it's not because I haven't tried to GET OUT. My boss is a psychopath and makes my life a living hell. I've been applying for a new job since the third month at this place. Yeah- I've been trying to get out for 5 years... and here I am 5 years later with possibly an interview! and I'm pregnant.
Love it.

I applied for 3 different positions at this new place. One I'm not even qualified for- so I hope to God they aren't calling to interview me for that one. I dont even know how I will handle that call! The other two would be great ... one is on the road... and I would LOVE IT if it wasnt for being pregnant... the other one is in hr which I would also like very much but ... oh dear... I dont know what to think. I dont even know if I can or will want to work after having a baby. But that's besides the point that right now I am the breadwinner and we can't afford to live on one income if I decide to quit and be a SAHM... we cant live on my husbands unemployment and he is desperately trying to get a job himself right now.

Not to mention that by accepting a new job I wont qualify for a leave of any kind... so it would be an unpaid absence of a 3 or 4 months. Ugh. BUT my own leave at my current employer sucks anyway... I have to use up my 30 sick days and 3 weeks of vacatoin and then I get a crappy 2 weeks of disability... whooopee do. The rest would be unpaid. And then I would have to go back to work full-time for a few weeks before I quit so they dont force me to pay back the premiums on my health insurance. Lovely.

Lots of things to think about this weekend. Please pray for us. Many big decisions!!!!

Some reassurance....

So I found this website... which was actually kind of reassuring about loosing  your boob soreness right around weeks 8-10! Thank goodness... at least this gives me some piece of mind! I'm going to hold on to that for now because hope is much better than fear!

Scared... What's happening?

Well I haven't blogged in almost a week. I attribute that to the past few days being fairly uneventful in every sense of the word. Nothing new has been happening with my body. I've had a few mornings of morning sickness that have made me feel like I would vomit at any moment- most especially yesterday. My boobs have been so sore I thought they were going to fall off- but that's nothing new as they have been feeling that way for the past several weeks almost from week 5 onwards. Here I am at 8 weeks 4 days. And I am SCARED.

Last night I realized my boobs were still sore but not as sore as they have been feeling. I didn't dwell too much on this however, not a big deal really. But this morning, as I lay in bed on my side, I noticed that my boobs didn't hurt AT ALL. Not one bit. My nipples are no longer sore and the sides of my breasts are not tender any more. As you can imagine, this is horrifying. I know from experience that the day I had an absence of tender breasts was the day I miscarried. Grant it, I never had a heart beat before or have gotten this far along before. This is so terribly frightening to me. I'm trying to stay calm and not sure if I should tell my husband. We have our 2nd ultrasound on Wednesday. We're so close. It's only days away! I wonder if that doc spaced it that far out to make absolutely sure that our baby was still alive before they sent us for prenatal care. I wonder if she realized that the heartbeat wasn't beating fast enough or if she spotted something else that might be wrong. I wonder because you know when you can just tell when someone is a little bit off? Like when I asked her if she could tell us what the heart beat was and she said her equipment wasn't that good. And when she was like... Ok, it looks wonderful BUT let's have you back in a few weeks for another ultrasound just to make sure everything is ok before we send you for prenatal care. And then when I went out to the receptionist I could tell, there was something dower in the air. Something ever so slightly off in their demeanor. I mentioned that to my husband of course he poo poo'd me saying to just enjoy the good news and we have a heart beat!! And I agreed with him. I tend to be really negative and almost tend to look for problems it seems. But now, I wonder if my intuition wasn't spot on. This is one time I wish with all my heart that it wasn't.

I am terribly terribly frightened. Dear Lord. I am so beside myself right now and there is nothing I can do. Nothing.

 The past week was so uneventful! I can't imagine why this is happening. Was it the cold cuts on the sandwich I ate? I heated those in the microwave until they were steaming!! It can't have been caffeine, I havent had any! Sure I had a texas weiner and fries but I was craving those. :( Could that have done it? No fights, no argumnets, nothing strenuous, no sex, no drinking, no smoking, I've been taking the elevator at work on and off instead of climbing the stairs, was it the steamed vanilla milk I got from Starbucks?? The donuts from dunkin donuts I ate? The chicken wings I had last night?

Needless to say I am beyond beside myself right now and there is not a damn thing I can do about it except google the hell out of it and rack my brain trying to figure out what went wrong. I can't stand this. I'm so scared. Please pray for me. Pray for my little baby and pray for my husband. Please have mercy on us Lord.

Si Wu Tang Tea

Before becoming pregnant I went to see a Korean doctor who performs acupuncture locally. I only went to one session because it was kind of painful and felt weird. I didn't care for it much and plus I really couldn't afford to go back every week for 10 weeks. But, I truly believe this one acupuncture session helped me to conceive. The doctor also gave me a powdered tea to drink- three times a day, every day, until the bottle was gone. It was called Si Wu Tang Tea. To me, it tasted like burdock root tea. It was a taste I thoroughly enjoy! I miss the tea... and I believe that this too, helped to tonify and clean my blood to help me to conceive naturally with no drugs and no medical intervention.

So just to recap, these are the steps I took to get to where I am today. After three consecutive miscarriages I am almost 8 weeks pregnant with a heart beat! We're not out of the woods yet, but this is the furthers I have every come along! Before I list my protocol, I want to add that I went for all the fertility bloodwork and everything came back normal. That was perhaps the most frustrating thing. There was no reason for the recurrent early pregnancy loss so there was nothing I could do to 'cure' it. I was told it could be older age... but I started trying to conceive when I was 34... hardly ancient... and many women effortlessly have babies well into their late thirties. So between the ages of 34 and 35 (I will be 36 in a few months) I had three m/c. Since then I have tried the following:

• After miscarriage #2 I was convinced that I had a luteal phase defect (a luteal phase shorter than 14 days) and insisted that I get progesterone to treat this. I was absolutely convinced that progesterone would help me to stay pregnant. I tried prometrium oral progesterone pills during my second m/c but that didn't stop it from happening. Then I tried progesterone suppositories from the second day after ovulation with my third pregnancy... I was convinced this would work. It didn't. I still miscarried and bled right through the suppositories. 
• As part of a fertility protocol, the doc suggested my dh and I take 15 days worth of doxocycline to make sure that neither of us had ureaplasma or something like that - a bacteria that can be found it the genital tracts that can cause infertility. An antibiotic for both of us for 15 days? That was do-able so we said sure we'll try it and gave it a shot. Hard to tell if that made a difference or not. Maybe it did. Maybe it didn't. Who knows.
• Anyway, after the m/c it was then that I realized progesterone wasn't the magic pill I had hoped it was. At this point my doc had suggested that I wait a bit and then try Clomid. This didn't make sense to me because I ovulate very well on my own already and all clomid would do is hyperstimulate my ovaries to ovulate earlier and more. No thanks.
• She then suggested that I get an HSG done. But I had to remind her that 1.) I am allergic to iodine and that uses iodine. 2.) I felt that was way too invasive and I didn't want an x-ray on my hoo-ha. and 3.) Why would I need an HSG when clearly I have no problems getting pregnant? HSG was to check to make sure the tubes are open and is more commonly used for inability to conceive. Not wanting to be pig-headed I suggested a hysterosalpinogram instead (this uses saline instead of xray and dye). She agreed. I was still very uncomfortable about this and felt it was a bit too invasive for my liking... and when I went to have it done, the doc couldn't even get the catheter into my cervix and told me she'd have to knock me out if I wanted to have that done so she wound up doing a trans vag ultrasound instead. She told me that my uterine lining looked way too thin and that I might have scarring and she should do another invasive procedure called a hysteroscopy! I said that was impossible. I never had any std's or procedures done. How the heck could I have scarring? I said I think I just ovulate later into my cycle. I tend to ovulate on CD 21 instead of CD 14 so - that's prob why it looked thin. The timing was off. She said come back in a week and we'll check it out. Sure enough- on CD 21 there I was with a triple layer of beautiful lining and a fat 18mm follicle getting ready to burst! I was right. Duh.  I swore off any further medical intervention after that last m/c and sought alternative ways to heal myself and to move up my ovulation day a few days. 
• That's when I started researching ways to naturally lengthen the luteal cycle. I had been BBT charting and one month my luteal phase was 4 days long!!! The next it was 8 days long. Too short to maintain a baby. The longest I think it's been in the past year is 10 days. I read that women in their 30s tend to get shorter luteal phases due to stress... especially if you are a working woman. 
• First I went to an acupuncturist in November 2010. I only went once like I said because it felt weird and I didn't like it much and couldn't afford to keep going back. But I think it worked anyway! The doc stuck three needles in my tummy by my ovaries and uterus. Two in my ankles and one in the top of my head. I laid there for 40 minutes. The ones in my tummy felt so weird. Ugh! There was a pulling sensation and it felt a bit tender. The doc said this was normal because it was clearing the way and my body was responding to the stimulation. Whatever. I did not like it one bit. Didn't go back. He gave me the Si Wu Tang Tea to drink as well. I drank it all for about a month until it was gone. I think this worked for me too.
• I found out about a concept called LUNACEPTION by Louise Lacey. I didn't order a book or buy anything. Found everything I needed online by googling it. Basically it goes along with this concept of sleep cycles, menstruation, and the moon/moonlight. Very interesting stuff. The idea that night lighting can have an affect on fertility and breast cancer is not new. I remember reading several studies that suggested women who work at night time jobs or night shifts and are exposed to the lights in parking garages, streetlights, and other lighting had higher rates of breast cancer. The lighting messes up your circadian rhythm and melatonin cycles. Not good. So in December 2010 I decided to give lunaception a try. Lucky me, it was also the last full moon on the winter solstice (how magical!) until 2094 (and that's when my babie was conceived!) Basically all you do with lunaception is completely black out the room you sleep in. Absolutely NO light can get in. I used light blocking opaque throw blankets held up by tiny nails every night. Complete black out. You are supposed to sleep in complete blackness every night of the month EXCEPT for the night BEFORE, the nigh OF, and the night AFTER the full moon. Then you should let in some light. This regulates your menstrual cycle and keeps it in time with the moon. Read all about it right here at this link.
• I also started taking 100mg of vitamin B6 everyday of my cycle the cycle I concieved and I am still taking it every day. I take my prenatal vitamin every day, I take 400 extra mcg of folic acid and I take the 100mg of B6. Now I want to mention that in my past pregnancies shame on me but I wasn't real good about taking folic acid or prenatal every day. I wonder now if that could have been the cause of the m/c. Maybe. 
• In the past year my dh and I also completely made the switch to all organic, grass-fed, anti-biotic free, horomone-free meats and dairy. We also eat nearly all of our fruits and veggies as organic (some stuff I can't find organic by us like broccoli rabe). I try not to eat processed foods, stay away from nitrates and nitrites so the only cold cuts we eat are applegate farms and applegate farms bacon. We eat sprouted breads too. 
• Drinking more water, hardly ever drink soda so it's a 'treat' once in a while. Try not to eat fast food tho lately I have been eating a bit of it ::blushes:: 
• I tried some other stuff on and off, like I had a tablespoon of raw organic coconut oil every day for a week and went back to the gym and did 500 calories a day on the elliptical for the first few weeks of pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant) but have since stopped both until I get to my second trimester. My dh doesnt want me to do anything strenuous. 
• And that's really it. That's what we've been doing. I also read two excellent books about recurrent early pregnancy loss called Inconceivable and Coming to Term. These books really gave me hope that it could happen.... and it totally did. Finally. Thank you Jesus. I also joined Ricky Lake's website: My Best Birth and watched her movie The Business of Being Born.
  

Pregnancy Weight Gain Calculator

http://www.thebabycorner.com/tools/pregnancy/calculators/weightcalculator.php

Hurley.....

WOw. Think I'm going to hurl just typing that word. Omg. I feel sooooo nauseous this morning.. Ugh! I can feel it welling up in my throat. It's not too over powering but it's definately there. I can absolutely tell that I feel like I may vomit at any moment. Ugh! and Yeay! I weighted in at 153 yesterday at the doc office. Yipes! That 4lbs more than I weighed the day before so it must have been fluid retention from the really salty Mrs. Grass soup I ate. I need to drink more water. Oh dear! I also dont know what to do about telling our famlies yet!!!!! OMG!! I just want to shout from the rooftops... but after three m/c I'm so afraid to say anything until we get out of the first trimester! I hope our families understand. I am sure they will be thrilled and it will be good to tell them once we know we are pretty much out of danger. I can't wait to tell my in-laws and my dad! My mom kind of already has a hint about it but not much.... She knew we were waiting to see what the u/s would say but hopefully she forgot about it because she hasn't mentioned it yet... hehee... which is great. I hope she forgot about it so I can tell her in a dramatic fashion and I can't wait to tell my dad!!!! And I can't wait to tell my inlaws either!!! Just need to wait a little bit longer. We'll know when the time is right!

Here's the bean!

Wow! My husband always said the 4th time is transcendant!

Yep! We did it! We got a heartbeat!!!! Bean is measuring in at 7 weeks 2 days!!! Wow!!! That's a bit further along than I predicted with 6 weeks 6 days! I have to change the pregnancy ticker up ahead! Omg!! Is this really happening?!! It sure is! We saw the little flicker of a heart beat too!!!! I can't believe it!!! I did think that we would be able to hear it and get how many beats per minute it was going but the RE said her equipment wasn't that good. Really? I mean come on- you are an RE office! What the heck... anyway... she said it looked perfect! Right on target and gave us two pictures and said she wanted to do a follow up u/s next Wednesday before she sends us off for prenatal care with an OB... So--- holy crow! Right?! Wow!!!! Is this really happening!!?!! WOW!!!!! =D

Here we go go go....

Oh sweet god. I am ready to vomit I am so worked up about this ultrasound. Here we go! Appointment in one hour and we are leaving the house now!

4 hours and counting....the big day...

Oh dear. I can't help but be filled with anticipation, excitement, anxiety, dread, fear, hope, help, ahhhhh!! I feel nauseous, a little queasy. This morning I wanted to use up some brocoli rabe that was starting to wilt so I made it on the stove the way I always do with sauteed garlic and red pepper flakes... later, the lingering odor of sauteed garlic nearly brought on the dry heaves. Funny how something I once considered aromatherapy now was making me green at the gills!

I am so beside myself. Don't know what to do. There is no way of 'knowing' if everything is alright. I don't even have that intuition of "I just knew deep down that it was going to be ok, or this was going to be it." Why? Because foolishly I thought that with the other three times... and well actually - maybe I didn't. I had no idea what to think the first time around. The second time- I knew before I even got started that a m/c would probably happen because of the first m/c and even though everyone said that after 1 m/c your chances go down quite a bit for a second one... I just KNEW that it was going to happen again which is why I chose to get to an RE right after that second one to get some bloodwork done. The third time.. that was weird. I actually got to try progesterone suppositories with that one and it never felt right for me. Sure enough that was the quickest of the three m/c. And here we are with round 4. Will this be it? Will we get to see a heartbeat?

Omg. I am so beside myself. We never had a heartbeat so what makes me think we might have one now? I did nothing extraordinary with this pregnancy except 100mg of b6 every day and lunarception. I've had sore bbs, slight nausea, and some cramping and backaches, no bleeding or spotting, I broke out earlier a tiny bit but not much, bbs are very heavy and sore, feeling fatigue.... but that's about it... I'm only about 6 weeks 6 days along from what I can tell... The furthest we got was with a yolk sac on the second m/c that happened around 5 weeks 3 days...but then I started cramping bad - really badly around Feb 25/26 and went to the ER during a snow storm. My hcg was only around 738 at the time. Too low... started bleeding on March 6.

I've had really good and high hcgs and progesterone so far, no bleeding, but definatley some cramping on and off for the past week... which started right around 5 weeks 3 days... that concerns me. :( What if I already had a missed m/c? What a joke. I can kind of brace myself but I know I will still feel blindsided.

Oh dear. This is so hard. This is a very hard thing to do today. We could go in there and see another empty sac. We could go in and see the baby measuring a week or two behind with a slow heart beat..or no heartbeat... or we could go in and see a baby measuring right on time (or over time!) with a very strong heartbeat!?!!!!!!

Today is the day. Groundhog day. What do the fates have in store for us all? Will it be another repeat of past history... or will this be a day that will change all days going forward?

My God. I'm so nervous. So excited. So nervous. So excited. Just keep praying for the grace to accept whatever happens and to please God let me be a comfort to my husband.. I know he could barely handle another loss, he takes them so, so, deeply to heart and wants a little fried more than anything. Please pray for us... all of us.

Tomorrow is the big day!

Wow! Tomorrow is the big day already! We've had some snow and ice storms up north here so hopefully the weather will be good enough tomorrow for us to get around to the u/s appointment. I feel good. No cramping last night... slight nausea today.... very tender and sore nipples and breasts... very heavy. Feeling pretty good... but still have NO IDEA what to expect tomorrow... no blooming idea what to expect....