Oh dear. I can't help but be filled with anticipation, excitement, anxiety, dread, fear, hope, help, ahhhhh!! I feel nauseous, a little queasy. This morning I wanted to use up some brocoli rabe that was starting to wilt so I made it on the stove the way I always do with sauteed garlic and red pepper flakes... later, the lingering odor of sauteed garlic nearly brought on the dry heaves. Funny how something I once considered aromatherapy now was making me green at the gills!
I am so beside myself. Don't know what to do. There is no way of 'knowing' if everything is alright. I don't even have that intuition of "I just knew deep down that it was going to be ok, or this was going to be it." Why? Because foolishly I thought that with the other three times... and well actually - maybe I didn't. I had no idea what to think the first time around. The second time- I knew before I even got started that a m/c would probably happen because of the first m/c and even though everyone said that after 1 m/c your chances go down quite a bit for a second one... I just KNEW that it was going to happen again which is why I chose to get to an RE right after that second one to get some bloodwork done. The third time.. that was weird. I actually got to try progesterone suppositories with that one and it never felt right for me. Sure enough that was the quickest of the three m/c. And here we are with round 4. Will this be it? Will we get to see a heartbeat?
Omg. I am so beside myself. We never had a heartbeat so what makes me think we might have one now? I did nothing extraordinary with this pregnancy except 100mg of b6 every day and lunarception. I've had sore bbs, slight nausea, and some cramping and backaches, no bleeding or spotting, I broke out earlier a tiny bit but not much, bbs are very heavy and sore, feeling fatigue.... but that's about it... I'm only about 6 weeks 6 days along from what I can tell... The furthest we got was with a yolk sac on the second m/c that happened around 5 weeks 3 days...but then I started cramping bad - really badly around Feb 25/26 and went to the ER during a snow storm. My hcg was only around 738 at the time. Too low... started bleeding on March 6.
I've had really good and high hcgs and progesterone so far, no bleeding, but definatley some cramping on and off for the past week... which started right around 5 weeks 3 days... that concerns me. :( What if I already had a missed m/c? What a joke. I can kind of brace myself but I know I will still feel blindsided.
Oh dear. This is so hard. This is a very hard thing to do today. We could go in there and see another empty sac. We could go in and see the baby measuring a week or two behind with a slow heart beat..or no heartbeat... or we could go in and see a baby measuring right on time (or over time!) with a very strong heartbeat!?!!!!!!
Today is the day. Groundhog day. What do the fates have in store for us all? Will it be another repeat of past history... or will this be a day that will change all days going forward?
My God. I'm so nervous. So excited. So nervous. So excited. Just keep praying for the grace to accept whatever happens and to please God let me be a comfort to my husband.. I know he could barely handle another loss, he takes them so, so, deeply to heart and wants a little fried more than anything. Please pray for us... all of us.
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