Ok. I'm bad. Everybody is getting on my nerves now. Even newly pregnant moms who are 9 WEEKS pregnant and are ooing and ahhing over every little ache and pain and complaining about somthing or other... really??? REALLY???? You are nine WEEKS pregnant- wait till you are NINE MONTHS and can't move!!!! Get over it!!! ::blushes:: Why am I so bad? That was bad. My horomones made me say it.
Jeepers- this must be similar to how women who've already had children feel when... wait a sec.... ahahahaa! This must be what my mother meant by- just wait laney... wait til you are a mom.... one day... or maybe it's similar to how some women who've been through something already and watch another one go through it and they are wise and kind and know that everyone makes their way differently through this process.
Oh wise women who have gone before us in labor and delivery and child rearing- have mercy on us first time moms and continue to shower us with your kindness and understanding and please help me to do the same for those moms who come after me. Grant me grace, patience, kindness, and humility to endure the fear, anxiety, and irritations of the coming weeks. Help me to know I am not alone. Others have been there, done that, and lived to tell about it.
Man, I'm scared. I've got 35 days to go and I am terrified. I was fine up until a day ago. Now I can't move, can't breathe, can't sleep, can't poop, can't stand anybody, and can't see any other way out of this! lol. Add to the fact that I am the primary bread winner right now and we can't live on one income alone and my husband's unemployment ran out last week and he still can't find a job after 1.3 years of unemployment (thanks to outsourcing to Bangalore) and I'm not only scared of what the heck my body and mind are going to go through in the labor and delivery process but what the devil are we going to do with this financial stuff? I'm really scared of post-partum depression now because I read that financial worry can sometimes trigger a feeling of hopelessness. On the bright side, I've never had a boxing match with depression before. Though, I know it does run in my family on my mom's side... so of course I am terrified that something will trigger it. My anxiety is through the roof right now and I'm still playing the happy go lucky it will all work out card to our friends and family. My in-laws are clueless and avoid the subject all together and act like we've got it all under control and everything is ok when they know full well that dh has been out of work for the past 16 months with no prospects in site. But it's not their fault and to be fair we don't share much with them by way of our financial situation. But I don't even know if they know how bad it is. And I guess it doesn't matter anyway. They have their own things to deal with. I just feel like we are hanging out here on a tree branch over a cliff and everyone is watching us from the safe land waiting for some helicopter to lift us out and praying that when we fall some safe downy tree will catch us.
My parents are pretty supportive but really they can't do much $$ to help us out. They are really clued in to what our financial picture looks like. Of course. Because I don't feel judged by them and they know that I've always just done the best I could and I made some mistakes along the way but at least I made something. At least I am a self-made woman. I've had to do it all on my own. And I am PROUD OF THAT. But that doesn't make this situation any easier to bear. In some instances it's kind of a slap in the face that I couldn't figure out how to make it on my own with less debt. But I honestly had no guidance. I blindly did the best I could. I knew I wanted a better life and knew an education was the way to that life. And it was! Without my education, I'd never have gotten to work in the field that I do, never would have met my amazing husband, never would have become the full and fabulous person that I am today. Never would have been able to travel the world and studied abroad and written articles and certainly would never have had the opportunity to fulfill my dream of getting my doctorate and becoming Dr. Lane Cardinal.
My husband's family are fairly well to do but they are recently divorced so who knows what the real financial picture looks like there although they are both pretty well off and always have been. Both of them have just ignored the problem that dh and I are on the brink of financial ruin because of the unemployment and my unpaid maternity leave in a few weeks. Well- I know his mom would help in any way she ever could but we are too proud to say anything to her and she's got a daughter who's pretty much financially dependent on her anyway- she doesn't need to grown 30 year olds adding to her stress. My fil? Hard to say. He's in his own world. He would never touch $$$ and our issues with it with a ten foot pole. Never offers any words or advice, never says he'll help us out or think about moving in with me... in his big 3 bedroom house that only he lives in. Never would say so much as a peep to help us out or let us know he is there to support us. Thanks dad. Guess he doesn't get it. Things come full circle and when it comes time to band together and help YOU out when you are stuck... don't look at us?? That's what it feels like.
And you know- here we are- just trying to keep our heads above water as our basement floods, our roof leaks, our pond liner is torn, and we haven't bought our heating oil or firewood for the fall yet because we are pretty much plowing through our savings to get things ready for baby, and all the other life stuff that costs a zillion dollars is getting in the way first.... there are the car inspections, electric bills, groceries, cell phones, internet, car gas, car insurance, car payments, student loans, mortgage, credit cards, water bill... I don't know... if we didn't have to eat- we'd be rich!
I feel a lot of guilt too because my husband came to our marriage with no debt. Not even student loan debt and he went to an Ivy league uni- his parents paid for his entire tuition. He never had to pay rent, never had a car payment, paid in full upfront with cash or given to us by his parents. Never had credit card debt. What a blessing.
Then there's me- my dad isn't a surgeon. He's an insurance salesman. And a damn good one too! So my parents did the best they could with what they had. I was pretty much left on my own to figure out financial things and how to make my dreams work. They certainly couldn't afford to pay for any college tuition - they had their own So I had to take out student loans for undergrad and grad and now I'm paying for it. I have always bought my own cars and had to take out loans for those and still pay on them, credit cards? Uhm yeah. Hello. I'm a girl and when you are out of school on your own and trying to make ends meet on a $10/ hour crap job and waitressing on the weekends to pay the rent... sometimes credit cards were the evil necessity. Of course they got racked up there. I've gotten a handle on those now but it doesn't change the fact that they are still there ... slowly going away... but those freaking student loans?! That's my albatross that will be with me for a long time tied around my neck. It's like paying a second mortgage on a house. Ironically NOW I work at a university - so getting my PhD is covered and my kids tuition will be free. THANK GOD. I never want my kids to go through what I'm going through. Debt sucks.
My heart hurts and it feels as though my whole life I've had to bear the weight of this financial mess for so long that I don't know what it's like to not have that anxiety. It's a norm for me now. That constant undercurrent of an impending sense of doom... that any minute the other shoe will drop and the gig is up. I've always lived pay check to paycheck or worse... have always robbed peter to pay paul. Now here I am - 36 years old and I wonder how much longer this game of cat and mouse is going to go on. It's exhausting. It's a way of life. And I just don't want to do it anymore. But I have to. I must endure and push through this and find a way to pay these bills and pay down this debt. Not for my sake- my chance at a peaceful mind and financial security has long since passed.... but for my children's sake. A gift I can give them. To never ever ever let them ever have to know the pressure, the anxiety, the guilt, the stress, the death to the soul that DEBT brings. I won't let it kill their dreams too. EVER. That is my mission. No debt for my kids. Financial literacy from preschool to the grave. Save SAVE SAVE. I honestly feel like we are on the brink of another great depression. It's really really bad out there if I'm feeling it. Trust me. I've alluded this financial scene for three decades now and if I AM feeling the effects of the unemployment rate, the unemployability of a highly qualified man, the weight of a mortgage and student loans... then I know financial ruin and disaster for the rest of the country is right around the corner... I can feel it in the air... can't you?
How can my parents bend over backwards to do so much for my husband and I and my husband's family acts so aloof about it all? Maybe because they're done. They've given him so much already maybe they are tired of it. My parents couldn't do much for me growing up so now they are finishing strong. And to me - that's all that matters!
Happy thoughts!
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